I have a case of verbal diarrhea..
(PLEASE EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE TODAY - I APOLOGISE IN ADVANCE.)
..and no one is out there. Better out than in i suppose.
BAD DAY. EMOTIONALLY. VERY BAD DAY.
I don't know if it's hormones, i would love to blame it on that, but i dunno. Fucking hell. Whatever it is, it has hit me like a ton of frigging bricks. I am lying here, alone at 12.44am, can't sleep/won't sleep. I have a head full of fuck. I feel like absolute dog shit.
I am having one of those "Too fat/too ugly/too spotty, no personality, too mental, too fucking stupid, just basically not fucking good enough...." days. ARGHHHHHHHHHH!
Right now in my relationship at 10 months in, i can honestly say, i love him more than i could have ever imagined, more than the arsewipe ex, i didn't ever think those words would come out of my mouth. HOWEVER - How can i EVER stop comparing myself to the 'exes'? I feel so insecure that they were beautiful/normal/proper sized tits/could go out, just fucking NORMAL girls. I've not had one of these "moments" for months - but today, it's as if all the weeks that have passed that i haven't thought about it, have rolled into one and just hit me. I don't think i (really) make him happy. How the fuck could anyone be happy with a retarded flat chested ugger? Come on now, lets be fucking realistic.......to be with a fuck head like me - surely the bloke would have to be insane too?
I've cried my heart out tonight. I feel like - like i should just let him be. I'm surprised he even wants me to meet his family on Sunday. I might make an excuse not to go, just to i don't embarrass him. Fucking hell - that bothers me too, what the hell are his family going to think of him being with someone so ugly?????? Surely they'll think he's out of his mind?
I am nothing like the ex girlfriend just gone. She was totally confident...bubbly....blah,blah, perfect fucking girlfriend, blah.... Before anyone says, well they are not together anymore...They were STILL in love when they split, it wasn't because they hated each other, or argued, obviously i can't talk about the reasons because its personal....but whatever - they were in love.
I'm so down tonight. Really upset and just want to know what to do. Thing is, i have totally opened up to him, he has me 100%, just like arsewipe did...and i am afraid that now he knows this....it leaves me WIDE open to get hurt.
What if he leaves me again?
What if he finds another girl? Someone prettier, thinner/fatter, proper sized tits....?
What if he just can't deal with me anymore?
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
I hate myself.
Why does this self loathing keep fucking me off?
Why does it haunt me still?
Why can't i be loved, if that is in fact what he does?
WHY DON'T I EVER FEEL GOOD ENOUGH? Is it the fact that i am ugly, agoraphobic and currently walking with a limp!?
I have that awful sick to the stomach feeling.....uncertainty, fear of the unknown... "How long before he dumps me?" feeling.
I am never going to fall asleep tonight. Combined with being in agony, full to the brim of caffeine and being mentally fucked, there's not much hope for me. I bet he's not losing any sleep about whether i love and care about him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
..and no one is out there. Better out than in i suppose.
BAD DAY. EMOTIONALLY. VERY BAD DAY.
I don't know if it's hormones, i would love to blame it on that, but i dunno. Fucking hell. Whatever it is, it has hit me like a ton of frigging bricks. I am lying here, alone at 12.44am, can't sleep/won't sleep. I have a head full of fuck. I feel like absolute dog shit.
I am having one of those "Too fat/too ugly/too spotty, no personality, too mental, too fucking stupid, just basically not fucking good enough...." days. ARGHHHHHHHHHH!
Right now in my relationship at 10 months in, i can honestly say, i love him more than i could have ever imagined, more than the arsewipe ex, i didn't ever think those words would come out of my mouth. HOWEVER - How can i EVER stop comparing myself to the 'exes'? I feel so insecure that they were beautiful/normal/proper sized tits/could go out, just fucking NORMAL girls. I've not had one of these "moments" for months - but today, it's as if all the weeks that have passed that i haven't thought about it, have rolled into one and just hit me. I don't think i (really) make him happy. How the fuck could anyone be happy with a retarded flat chested ugger? Come on now, lets be fucking realistic.......to be with a fuck head like me - surely the bloke would have to be insane too?
I've cried my heart out tonight. I feel like - like i should just let him be. I'm surprised he even wants me to meet his family on Sunday. I might make an excuse not to go, just to i don't embarrass him. Fucking hell - that bothers me too, what the hell are his family going to think of him being with someone so ugly?????? Surely they'll think he's out of his mind?
I am nothing like the ex girlfriend just gone. She was totally confident...bubbly....blah,blah, perfect fucking girlfriend, blah.... Before anyone says, well they are not together anymore...They were STILL in love when they split, it wasn't because they hated each other, or argued, obviously i can't talk about the reasons because its personal....but whatever - they were in love.
I'm so down tonight. Really upset and just want to know what to do. Thing is, i have totally opened up to him, he has me 100%, just like arsewipe did...and i am afraid that now he knows this....it leaves me WIDE open to get hurt.
What if he leaves me again?
What if he finds another girl? Someone prettier, thinner/fatter, proper sized tits....?
What if he just can't deal with me anymore?
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
I hate myself.
Why does this self loathing keep fucking me off?
Why does it haunt me still?
Why can't i be loved, if that is in fact what he does?
WHY DON'T I EVER FEEL GOOD ENOUGH? Is it the fact that i am ugly, agoraphobic and currently walking with a limp!?
I have that awful sick to the stomach feeling.....uncertainty, fear of the unknown... "How long before he dumps me?" feeling.
I am never going to fall asleep tonight. Combined with being in agony, full to the brim of caffeine and being mentally fucked, there's not much hope for me. I bet he's not losing any sleep about whether i love and care about him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments
You seem to have made more progress in the last month or so than Ive known you do in a long time, thats something to focus on, the fact youre doing so well, and while the person youre with has changed, its still down to your hard work.. And perhaps some patience from him, patience, time and love which hes willing to give.. Because he fancies you, loves you and thinks youre worth it. And if a time comes when he leaves, when youre trying as hard as you are now, when youre making even small steps to getting better.. well, more fool him and you would then be better off without.. Again, I dont see this happening though. He wants you to meet his parents, youve met his friends, hes not hiding you in a cave somewhere!!
Relax, enjoy your time together, and look at getting some talking therapy/help to help you overcome your low self esteem and BDD (-Im sure thats the term for it/youve mentioned it!?).. Youre a lovely, attractive lady, you need to see that :)
I hate being/feeling like this. What kicked all this off is that he let me borrow his external hard drive to transfer my files off my old computer onto my new one, and on it were his pictures. I've seen them all before because he showed me, but looking through them again, with him and his exes, on holiday, camping, nights out - looking blissfully happy, they were SO in love, i feel that i will never have that, because she was the total opposite to me.
I dont know what happened, why they split so it may be hard for you to accept it if they didnt split through not getting along or similar reasons.. But we've all got a past, and Im sure theres pictures of you that show you all happy and smiley with an Ex, but we all know things look rosier on the outside sometimes. This/these ex's might look perfect to you, but Im damn sure they have their bad points too.. Whats yours, being unable to get out? Its something youre working on and making improvements on. But as for being ugly.. well you simply arent!
Im sure once you get a decent nights sleep you'll be able to think a bit clearer and things wont seem so bad either :)
Looking at the pictures, her drapped all over him, beaming smiles between them - they look like they were meant to be together. Forever.
I wish sleeping did help, but lying in bed alone, just makes me think more, and i realise how wrong our relationship is, on many levels. I shouldn't be with him. Simple as that.
Be a bit gentler on yourself..
xx
Shit is never perfect. I have told you before, you are NOT ugly.
I knkow you think she looks perfect, but in reality she rprobably has the same insecurities most chicks have.
I saw this study done on what guys think is attractive. Most of them said personality and confidence. I found that awesome, because I am nowhere near big chested and sexy. But in a wat I am glad. I dont want guys staring at my tits and not wanting to get to know who I am as a person.
Anyway, you are beautiful no matter what and I have my days where I feel ugly and old so you arent alone!!
Thank you for commenting.
You are gorgeous. No. 1 ;)
His ex was uber confident. She had the personality that i would dream of. The kind that wouldn't give a shit if someone slagged her off...or talked about her behind her back, just didn't care, at all. Whereas i, take it all to heart, get upset and cry!!!!
x