BEING SARAH.......

...Free app on the iphone. I think i love it.... Blossom. Bluebell.

...again! Makes a change. Not. Stayed at the boyfriends last night, which was nice. Went to see the baby this morning, that was okay until this and it pisses me off so much.... The boyfriend and the friend think it's okay to have a go at me every time i am there. Whether it be about my ED, going out/not going out, or anything else....whatever, they always join forces to dig and that fucking annoys me. Today, it happened just as i was leaving, my friend said "EAT A MCDONALDS"...and the boyfriend said "No, she'll have gum and diet coke....", which then made my friend start even more. Why do they do that? If you want to talk about any of my problems TALK to me, don't pick and joke about it, it's not funny and they never see me laughing. I obviously didn't mention it to the boyfriend, because i couldn't be arsed. It's like me talking about his drinking, or the fact that he doesn't want marriage or children every time i am wit...

Feeling so down and shit about myself, what could i do about that? Should i sit and pick my face for an hour, that will surely help me..... No Sarah, it really doesn't help, because now all i can see when i pass a mirror is the left side of my face covered in big red spots that are inflamed and weeping a mixture of blood and yellow watery shit. How do i feel now? A gazillion times worse. Worse than yesterday, and the day before that. So what should i do now? Pick some more to see if i can rectify the damage done... NO SARAH, that WILL make them even more horrendous. After a bout of compulsive skin picking, i am fully aware that i will have fucked up looking skin for at least 10 days, if not more. I will feel more disgusting, i won't want to go out, and all i NEED to do is pick, pick to make them better. There is no helping me. I just need to not be me, be someone else, for just a day, someone normal who doesn't have any cares in the world, so i know what it f...

So bloody fed up with everything. My life is fucking shit and i hate it. Shit, bollocks, wank, sums it up. There's no silver lining on my cloud, no light at the end of the tunnel, nothing.... What's the fucking point?

I am really stressing out here. TRYING to find a swimsuit that would be appropriate for a girl who has NO boobs, is really hard and distressing to say the least. I need something that comes up high around the neck to cover scars, i need some kind of gel bra built in...and then on top of that i need shorts, because i fucking HATE my legs, the cellulite just does not need to be on show for everyone to see... My life is NEVER simple... These times just reaffirms how much i hate myself and what a disgrace my body is....

I'm on Twitter - i like to stalk celebrities, oh....and Charlotte ;)

Today and tomorrow then i close the competition to get a the most fabulous Brazilet sent to you....any where in the world, i am not just applying this to the 'Brits...'. So, all i need is a "Yes please" in this post, or last Fridays and i will pull the winner over the weekend...i will vlog the evidence of me doing so... ...Come on people,  win a bracelet.... :)

CLICK HERE.... , it's very good. :)

Top - Top shop.. Jeans - River Island Shoes - Blue high top Converse.... I went shopping on Saturday, got 3 new tops, WITH BIRTHDAY MONEY!!! - didn't spend a penny....makes me happy(ish)... Out i go, feeling rank....grossness.

...I weighed myself this morning. I was 7 stone (98lb)..... This number bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Combine that with a face that looks like i've got chicken-pox (due to my excessive picking), when will i learn? PICKING and EATING CHOCOLATE CAKE/BISCUITS, do not help me at all. I am fed up. I look like hell. I hate being me. I am consumed with self-loathing...inspecting everything about my fucking hideous body....

My story has been approved....Well done me. Can't wait to see it on there.... :)

I don't even know where to begin. I feel like i have a ton of things to write about, but then i forget.... My mood is unstable to say the least. I HATE myself today. The usual ugly thing, face covered in spots, i had my period come 4 days early, i feel...odd. I am NOT going out today, i should be going shopping, but i am sat here, in my PJ's looking like death warmed up. Hair looks crap. The boyfriend cut it all short again and i struggle with having it so short, takes me a while to get use to it. ..just feel really pathetic today. I wish i could just not feel ill or ugly, or anxious, or panicky for just ONE day... that would be great... :( BTW - COMPETITION CLOSES ON FRIDAY, SO IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY LEFT A "YES PLEASE" COMMENT IN THAT BLOG, THEN PLEASE DO..... YOU READERS, MEAN A LOT TO ME....SO DON'T MISS OUT.... :)

Read through this list 75 ways to stay unhappy forever , and tell me how many YOU do........ I do a lot.... no wonder i am fricking miserable!!!!

I've had a couple of good mood days... Which has been nice. Sunday, usual trip to see the baby - he's growing so quickly, but while i was there my friend broke some news to me... Basically she has NO family down here to help her, no one. All her family moved up to Lincolnshire, her mother passed in 1999 and her father is dying of cancer and lives in London. Anyway, she sort of just dropped it into a conversation how her boyfriend wants to move up north so she's got her family around her, because apart from me visiting her once a week when the boyfriend takes me, she doesn't really have any help at all... This news almost reduced me to tears as she was saying it. I broke down when she moved to where she is now, but going 3 1/2 hours away.... :( On a purely selfish level, I DON'T WANT HER TO GO....Not one bit.... On the rational/sensible/what is best for her level, of course it would be the right thing to do.... But it doesn't stop me from being really upset. ...

Walking round the town, everything was fine, walked into Greggs (a bakery) and instantly my stomach churned. OMFG - Gagging....gagging and more gagging! Where the hell did that come from? After that i was in a rush to get home. Just didn't want to be out any more feeling like that. ...then i spoke to the boyfriend and told him that i was stressed about our relationship and how i think that it's not doing well at the moment, his reply "You're imagining it..."..... IMAGINING IT??? I'm imagining the phonecall shit? I'm imagining the fact that we've only seen each other ONCE in 11 fucking days??? We're going to a BBQ this afternoon, i am hoping he cuts my hair and makes me look half decent otherwise i'm going to feel like a sack of shit!!!

..that's right, i am giving something away.... I LOVE Brazilets. I wear two round my wrist, a black one and a pink one. If you scroll down to the bottom of the BRAZILETS page, you can read all about them. I'm doing this because i appreciate you all so very much and i can't show my gratitude for your support enough, so i thought this would be a nice thing to do... :) All YOU have to do is leave a comment, saying Yes Please, then in ONE week i will write all the names out and pull them out of .... something... i don't know exactly what....but it will be genuine :) Then if the winner can email me at poosmum@gmail.com with your address and i will get one sent off to you ASAP!!!! Once the winner is announced you can go onto "Buy Brazilets" and choose the colour you want and i will send it to you, anywhere in the world. EVERYONE is welcome :) Happy Competitioning... :)

I have just been asked by the Mental Health Foundation (link in the side) to write a story for their website that will also include a link to my YT videos.... Oh my gosh... :)

It's perfectly clear that i have lost my fucking mind over the last few days....proper "Cuckoo"..... so now, we're starting again... I'm going to be ballsy? Is that right? Stand up for myself? LOLOL...Who the hell am i kidding? No one!

What do we have here? The battle of the big cups.... Now, if you have a bigger cup that what we're displaying here, either YT a video response OR send a picture of your BIG cup to poosmum@gmail.com. Join in the fun!!!

That's it, i cannot be bothered any more with this shit...

He calls me, and he starts talking about dinner tonight and what do *I* have in my house to eat... I said to him not to bother coming round and when he asked why i just let IT ALL OUT!!!! I said that i was really unhappy about the way he spoke to me, he said that it was because he'd been feeling ill, then i reminded that he did it on Monday when he wasn't sick too. His response was....I'd just woken up from a deep sleep and i was grumpy, i then told him not to take it out on me, and perhaps, if i do call and he has just woken up to say he'll call me back in a bit, rather than talk to me like dogs shit. He said that he knows it was wrong but he was tired... Then i suggested perhaps if he doesn't get pissed it wouldn't happen...he didn't respond to that one surprisingly. Anyway.... I got it all out, off my chest.... then i receive this.... I even said that if he keeps doing it i will end it........ Is he bothered? I doubt it.....

So he called. Like nothing has happened. Don't get it. How am i supposed to carry on and be normal when inside i am screaming wanting to ask him "Why?". My head is saying "Just get the fuck out and don't be stupid...." My heart is saying "You love him...". I recall he said the other day that i wouldn't not do coupley (i know that's not a word...!) because i am scared of losing him, so he's saying that IF i didn't do those kinds of things then he'd consider leaving me. Well...there's a thing coming up on Saturday with his friends, just a BBQ, but apart from a couple of people i know, they are all friends from the gym. 'Gym bunnies' i can't deal with. Toned, skinny....tanned..... I can't be stuck in a room with those kinds of people, so i have already told him that i might not go. I'm getting stressed about it. I'm not going to be wearing nice 'fancy' clothes like them, my skin is fuck...

...advised me NOT to call the boyfriend today since he always gets moody when i do so i should leave it, no calls, no texts....and then what? He doesn't bother calling me. FFS. This is driving me insane.

I don't know what to do... So confused with it all. I have just called the boyfriend after not speaking to him since 8 this morning (he's off sick) to see if he was okay and i got ANOTHER mouthful... WTF?? I simply cannot do this any more. I'm fed up, the only thing is that he's helped me so much with getting out, if i end the relationship, i'll be back to square one, on my own with no one. *Le Sigh*

It seems today that i am back down there. Had a 'do' with the boyfriend last night. I called him at 4.30, no answer.... i left it over an hour and i called back, this time he answered, but i could tell immediately that he was in a stinker. The conversation lasted about 2 minutes, i think it included me asking him if he was okay and if he'd been sleeping, then i misheard what he said, i heard something about smoke, and *thought* he said he said he could smell smoke, and that someone was having a bonfire, but that was wrong, what he in fact said was that he'd lit a fire....but with that, because i couldn't hear him he was instantly wound up and angry. He said that he KNEW we were going to have crosswords, i was confused since i'd said FUCK ALL that could possibly upset him...., apparently i was 'bombarding' him with questions (please refer back to the beginning of the paragraph for the TWO questions i asked him). With that i apologised for upsetting h...

...at being a host to an 'internet' friend.... I think i may have done a tad better this time. Right, background... When i first got my computer in 2002 i started talking to a guy called Leon. We'd MSN all the time, nothing romantic at all - he just seemed a really nice fella. Then started the phone calls....and postcards when he was away....birthday cards....and just lots of communication. My ex didn't like me talking to him at all, but when i got with my boyfriend i spoke to him about Leon and thank goodness he was totally cool with it. We had talked about him staying for ages but never got round to it...........until this weekend. We've laughed and laughed. Okay - we weren't out and about visiting loads of places because i couldn't (and he understands that), but he saw how i lived...plus my boyfriend wasn't there for Friday and Saturday so it was just me and him. He got down late Friday night and Saturday morning we went to the town....did my...

...5 weeks tomorrow!!! :)

...feeling so much better today. Didn't sleep well but that hasn't bothered me too much. I'm going to have a productive CLEANING/GARDENING day..... Best get on.....lots to do......

The first two people who i ever started speaking to online back in 2002 were two fellas. One lives in Bangkok but originally from Manchester and the other is from Wales. We've spoken/kept in touch constantly over the last 9 years..., but now, the one who lives in Wales is planning to come down tomorrow. It's been talked about for ages...and my boyfriend is totally cool with it....(he doesn't care about me having male friends, unlike the ex)...so fingers cross, providing he's paid, he'll be down sometime tomorrow. Very exciting.... :)

First off i would like to apologise for my lack of "upbeat" posts of late. I really do apologise. I know it isn't great coming on here and reading my woes and misery day after day after day, but it's pretty clear and i've made no secret that i have been going through a really bad patch, but today, i think i see a break in the clouds, purely because of how bored i've been. Generally when i am down/depressed i can't be arsed to do anything, but now because i am getting so frustrated with not doing anything, i see that as a very good sign. My brain needs to be occupied, i need to be stimulated....i need to be doing SOMETHING....anything. So yeah.... Fingers crossed.... I'm hoping that i am coming out of the doom and gloom!!!

...I am possibly the most bored i have ever been in my whole entire life. There's nothing on TV, there is nothing around the house i can do, no washing, nothing! I need a hobby...and quickly. I wish there was someone i could talk to, interact with during the day. The truth of the matter is i spend ALL my waking day worrying. Worrying about this and that, without a break. My head hurts from the worrying and i know it's a massive problem. How do you break the worrying cycle? GOOD LINK ABOUT WORRYING!! CLICK THIS

...since i became mental. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SARAH!!!!!

...there is always a glimmer of sunshine!!!! I am literately overcome with......happiness. Sitting in my room, as i do mainly because i am safer up here... can't do myself any stupid injury (apart from spilling hot coffee on myself, which i just did), when i heard the postie come. I didn't rush down to see what i'd got because generally water/gas and electric bills don't do much for me. So eventually i braved the killer stairs and saw what i thought was a late birthday card.... But no..... It wasn't. Didn't recognise the writing (which i have to mention was lovely!), so i opened it.... From my lovely Scouse Emma. A HANDWRITTEN card... A 'Thank you' card.... I am overwhelmed. How easy would it be to email or text?? No one sends those any more, but Emma did.. What was inside is private, but what i can say is.... It's FINE.../You're very welcome and THANK YOU!!!! Oh...BTW....I did get your message on my phone, it was hiding in the saved mess...

..So i finished up writing the last post and my boyfriend came through the door. I got up to see him (and get the pain relief) but i didn't spot a cat laying across the top step of the stairs and managed to quite spectacularly fall (stunt man stylie) from top to bottom. Ouch that hurt. I'm covered in bruises and have a rather huge carpet burn on my arm. Pro's to falling downstairs - The pain in my stomach took a back seat while i was nursing my wounds. Con's to falling downstairs - Well, at my age, i could have broken a bone!!!! ;) The cat got away unscathed.

...is being a lovely boyfriend tonight. Just had a really bad bout of pain in my stomach (the reason i was meant to have the endoscopy) and has gone out to get me some pain relief.... It's not quite as bad as gallbladder pain, but not far off it. Must get back to the doctors.....

Yesterday you were a happy shopper then you went home and thought about it. Yes i was happy, it was my birthday. I pulled my boyfriend up on his wandering eye ON THE DAY! Didn't go home and think about it - thought about nothing else apart from that FYI. The happiest day ever becomes distinctly average. What is your problem? You should try to be a little consistent and sensible. You should find some happiness away from your shopping and you should stop asking others to accommodate your stupidity. You're okay looking but too thin. Put on a few pounds and relax.If you stay that thin you'll soon look gaunt. Eat, drink and be merry. And give the guy a break. 09/07/2011 09:32

So yesterday when i was at Bluewater, the boyfriend sat outside while i was looking around Hollister, which by the way has the most beautiful girls i have ever seen working there, wearing their teeny tiny little denim shorts and crop tops no less. Not one of them had cellulite, they were all stunning. Anyway, i was doing some recording with my Flip and i came out of the shop to catch my boyfriend gawping, MOUTH OPEN at two blondes that were walking past.... His response, "Do you want me to look at the ground...?" For fucks sake. It was my birthday...why can't he for just ONE FUCKING DAY not do that when i am with him. So after that i felt even more like a sack of shit than i did before. This behaviour bothers me so much. I don't look at other men when i am with him...that's because i have respect, but from now on, i am going to make a point at checking out any man that walks past me... See how HE likes it. Probably won't bother him, but whatever... ...

Took a little trip to the doctors yesterday because i had a lump come up about 4 weeks ago in my forearm. Apparently its a cyst that needs to be 'kept an eye on'..... While i was there i thought i might just mention my shakiness. How i wake up every morning feeling like i've spent the night holding a pneumatic drill... Anyway, he looked at me and said "I think we might send you to the mental health team............". NOT what i was expecting. Fucker. I wasn't even acting mental mental chicken oriental..... I don't get it.... I dunno.... So today is my 36th birthday. I am fucking miserable, pissed off, down, stressed and have been up since goodness knows when.... Fabulous.

I do apologise for the video in advance. It's all over the place, in fact, i think the end is actually the beginning. Nevermind, i'm not use to putting little clips together.... So forgive me. Anyway....gorgeous day.....walked for 3 hours around the entire zoo. Last time i went was in 2003, and i never made it even half way round. So well done me. I am VERY happy with what i did today....

Thank you very much panic attacks and agoraphobia for taking a back seat today while i walked round COLCHESTER ZOO (PICTURES HERE) for 3 hours..... :)

I have no idea where we are, a signpost said 'Birch'..... We're driving down teeny tiny lanes and blogging is making me feel rather nauseous. It's a gorgeous sunny day... :) - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

He's got the cutest little feet in the whole world..... Got round my friends at 10 then for a change we went for a pub lunch, i didn't realise before i agreed i had to walk miles, well, not miles, but quite a way from the car. Luckily i was okay!!!

...On my birthday, the plan is to go to HERE , Bluewater a massive shopping centre. I only want to go to bloody Hollister.... It's quite a long way, and my sister and my mother want to come too... Hmmm....and the way i am feeling right now, panicky/anxious/agoraphobic.... i'm not so sure. I'll have to wait and see how i feel on Thursday morning, nothing is set in stone. I can change my mind any-time-i-like. Now, off to do sit-ups before i scoff down a Taste the Difference baked cheesecake with blueberries and a nice dollop of Haagen Dazs White chocolate ice-cream with raspberries. Yuuuuuuuuuuum.

... ♥ Baby George.

...i saw him for a total of 3 WHOLE hours today, and now he's home..... This is what we did today. We went to the skip, went to Gosfield lake, B&Q to buy some flowers and Sainsburys...now i am home - alone - again! PICTURES HERE.... ...and its a very sad day. My hair straighteners broke yesterday morning, i dropped a my weights on it and the plate snapped off. So my hair in the pictures i have to apologise for. Fluffy, messy and awful.

...It got worse.. If that's at all possible. So after our short conversation last night, i heard nothing from him. Nada. He'll always call me at 8 on a Saturday morning, but this morning, he didn't. I KNEW i was in serious trouble. So me being the idiot that i am, called him, only to get "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU". Take that comment and add it to a person who is extremely depressed and you get a girl on the verge of a fucking breakdown. He's called me since, and i'm not seeing him AGAIN, i've not seen him since Wednesday now. He said he's tired and wants to be alone. Take THAT comment, add THAT to what's already been said....and you now have a girl who wants to end it all.

He's out tonight, even though he knows how down i am and that i am really anxious at the moment, he didn't even consider spending the evening with me, instead he's out up the town. Phone call... Him..."Hi, you alright?" Me....."I'm fine thanks, just got in the bath...." Him...."Oh right...." Me....."Are you in The Bull?" Him..."No, too cold to sit outside, we're in Spoons." Me...."How's Mark?" Him...."He's fine, he's inside talking..." Me....."Having a nice time....?" Him...."Yeah, chatting. Oh, by the way....I'm going to Rayleigh next Friday with Mark and Lorna." PAUSE Me..."Oh? What about me?" Him..."You can't go to Rayleigh, that's too far....." Me..."Okay...." I put the phone down. Then i sent a text saying (THROUGH TEARS!)... 'It would have been really nice to go somewhere where your girlfrien...

We had ANOTHER disagreement where this time HE put the phone down on me! The cheek of it. This time we were talking about his holiday that is just about to start. He'll have 9 days off in total. I was saying to him that when he's off he never wants to see me and how that seems a little bit strange. I explained that i understand we're not in a 'conventional' relationship due to my problems, but still - it would be lovely for him to want to spend time with me considering we don't live together and he works. Like NORMAL couples. When they have time off....they either go on holiday (which i know i can't do) or they take day trips, which is more feasible, but no..... when i said this to him his response was "I WORK FUCKING HARD AND IF I WANT TO SIT ON MY ARSE FOR A WEEK, I WILL....". Hmmm....not really what i wanted to hear. He said "I am NOT talking about this..." and went. He is still living in a different world to me. He believe...

This is how the conversation went between the boyfriend and me. Him...."Bonjour" Me..... "Alright?" Him.... "Yeah, fine thanks, you?" Me.... "Not too bad, got a terrible period headache though." Him...."I've got a headache too...." Me....."You've only got a day and a half to go until you're off." Him..."I've got absolutely not enthusiasm for work now." PAUSE Me...."Did you speak to your friend about going out?" Him..."Yeah, next Thursday." Me...."Oh right cool...." PAUSE....PAUSE....PAUSE.... Me..."It's my birthday on Thursday...." Him...."OH FOR FUCKS SAKE. I'LL FUCKING CANCEL IT THEN." PAUSE Me..."Don't worry, it's the evening, i'll see you in the day..." Him..."I fucking forgot, alright....I didn't look at a calender, just knew it was my week off." Me...."It's fine........