*Meltdown*
So he called. Like nothing has happened. Don't get it. How am i supposed to carry on and be normal when inside i am screaming wanting to ask him "Why?".
My head is saying "Just get the fuck out and don't be stupid...."
My heart is saying "You love him...".
I recall he said the other day that i wouldn't not do coupley (i know that's not a word...!) because i am scared of losing him, so he's saying that IF i didn't do those kinds of things then he'd consider leaving me. Well...there's a thing coming up on Saturday with his friends, just a BBQ, but apart from a couple of people i know, they are all friends from the gym. 'Gym bunnies' i can't deal with. Toned, skinny....tanned..... I can't be stuck in a room with those kinds of people, so i have already told him that i might not go. I'm getting stressed about it. I'm not going to be wearing nice 'fancy' clothes like them, my skin is fucking shocking right now, my hair needs cutting, i'd feel awful going and being surrounded by them, why would i put myself through it? He had no problem with agreeing to go to Rainham without me, so why would this be any different? He picks and chooses when he wants me with him and quite frankly, the way he's been just lately, why the hell would i want to go with him?
..So today we're on Day 9 and i've seen him once. Relationship? Don't think so. It's not like he lives miles away, even when i was with the ex husband and he was studying in Sheffield, we'd manage to see each other every 11 days for the weekend....
I wish i had the guts to say something - i'm an idiot and i hate myself.
I'm beginning to feel like i did when i was with the ex and i promised myself i'd never be in this place again...... but i just can't get over thinking that i must have done something to deserve this, that keeps going over and over in my head...
Let's look at it this way...
I was bullied, they hated me for being fat/ugly and goofy.
My first proper boyfriend cheated on me goodness knows how many times.
Second boyfriend/fiancé left me to go to Australia.
Son's dad - did one!
1st husband - well, he loved me..
2nd husband hated my guts and was abusive
Lost a really good friend because of the way i am
Boyfriend now - temperamental and appears to not think that much of me.
Sister hated me from birth...really she did. She wrote a book about her life and that was what she wrote about me.
Had countless people mean about the way i look. I guess working in a pub and not being a traditional buxom young lady was a hindrance.
My father barely has any contact with me. He had weekly phone calls with my sister, i am lucky if i get 2 or 3 a year.
My best friend has no concept of my illness, doesn't want to understand....
I'm alone most of the time (that speaks volumes)
Right, so in that list there is one common denominator - ME!!!!! All these people hate ME. Why? It HAS to be something that i am doing wrong...
I'm a wrong'un.... Simple.As.
Ugly, useless, a failure, obviously a really fucking awful person... I'm asking myself, what is the point of me being around any more. I don't make anyone happy. I burden peoples lives. Constantly being rejected by the people I love/care about. I'm a fucking drain on society. I am just a waste of space.
No point to my life what-so-ever.
My head is saying "Just get the fuck out and don't be stupid...."
My heart is saying "You love him...".
I recall he said the other day that i wouldn't not do coupley (i know that's not a word...!) because i am scared of losing him, so he's saying that IF i didn't do those kinds of things then he'd consider leaving me. Well...there's a thing coming up on Saturday with his friends, just a BBQ, but apart from a couple of people i know, they are all friends from the gym. 'Gym bunnies' i can't deal with. Toned, skinny....tanned..... I can't be stuck in a room with those kinds of people, so i have already told him that i might not go. I'm getting stressed about it. I'm not going to be wearing nice 'fancy' clothes like them, my skin is fucking shocking right now, my hair needs cutting, i'd feel awful going and being surrounded by them, why would i put myself through it? He had no problem with agreeing to go to Rainham without me, so why would this be any different? He picks and chooses when he wants me with him and quite frankly, the way he's been just lately, why the hell would i want to go with him?
..So today we're on Day 9 and i've seen him once. Relationship? Don't think so. It's not like he lives miles away, even when i was with the ex husband and he was studying in Sheffield, we'd manage to see each other every 11 days for the weekend....
I wish i had the guts to say something - i'm an idiot and i hate myself.
I'm beginning to feel like i did when i was with the ex and i promised myself i'd never be in this place again...... but i just can't get over thinking that i must have done something to deserve this, that keeps going over and over in my head...
Let's look at it this way...
I was bullied, they hated me for being fat/ugly and goofy.
My first proper boyfriend cheated on me goodness knows how many times.
Second boyfriend/fiancé left me to go to Australia.
Son's dad - did one!
1st husband - well, he loved me..
2nd husband hated my guts and was abusive
Lost a really good friend because of the way i am
Boyfriend now - temperamental and appears to not think that much of me.
Sister hated me from birth...really she did. She wrote a book about her life and that was what she wrote about me.
Had countless people mean about the way i look. I guess working in a pub and not being a traditional buxom young lady was a hindrance.
My father barely has any contact with me. He had weekly phone calls with my sister, i am lucky if i get 2 or 3 a year.
My best friend has no concept of my illness, doesn't want to understand....
I'm alone most of the time (that speaks volumes)
Right, so in that list there is one common denominator - ME!!!!! All these people hate ME. Why? It HAS to be something that i am doing wrong...
I'm a wrong'un.... Simple.As.
Ugly, useless, a failure, obviously a really fucking awful person... I'm asking myself, what is the point of me being around any more. I don't make anyone happy. I burden peoples lives. Constantly being rejected by the people I love/care about. I'm a fucking drain on society. I am just a waste of space.
No point to my life what-so-ever.
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