-
I should not feel so alone.
I should not feel like i don't have a single person in the world to talk to.
I should not cry, daily.
I should not hate my life like i do.
I should not walk past a mirror and want to scratch my skin off every part of my hideously scarred body.
I should not wish every day to end as soon as it's begun.
I should not be analysing every feeling and sensation that goes on inside me.
I shouldn't not speak to anyone, all day.
I should not envy my son for having a day out in London.
I should not feel angry for the people who 'care' about me, but seemingly don't give a fucking shit.
I should not feel like a burden, i didn't want to be this way.
I should not hate myself as much as i do.
I should not have caused hurt and pain to others.
I should not have been such a terrible wife, then perhaps my ex would still love me.
I should not worry so much.

Perhaps if i was nicer, more attractive, more caring, more understanding, more thoughtful, more considerate, more generous, more outgoing, more confident, more loving, more trusting, more supportive, more healthy, more aware of others, more compassionate, more carefree, more enthusiastic, a better mum, a better daughter/sister/friend, perhaps if i cleaned and tidied my house more, perhaps if i cooked better dinners, perhaps if i tried harder - NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HAPPENING TO ME.

I have been a right arsehole in my life, a horrible nasty bitch..... to people i genuinely care/d about.... This shit is Karma.

Comments

vinny said…
i can't see you being nasty with anyone sarah on purpose as ur always dead nice hun,its people who seem to be nasty to you so its no way karma as i must have been nasty too and i don't think i have been xxxxxx
05/08/2011, 00:43
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

CLOSURE. THE END!!!!!

-
Image
Where it all started... Say Hi and Goodbye to my EX HUSBAND. This is the precious man that i loved for all those years but who treated me like dog shite... I'm only really posting these pictures because i LOVE LOVE LOVE my wedding dress. It was EXACTLY what i wanted. Gorgeous...stunning...i still love it now, rammed upstairs in the loft, screwed up in a ball somewhere :) Don't i look happy? Unfortunately by the end of the day, i was crying!
Read more

From the mouth of an EX agoraphobic

-
A friend of mine yesterday pointed out what a person had written on their blog about being agoraphobic. Said person is an EX agoraphobic...this is what was said. "Agoraphobia is a selfish state of mind. Its completely "curable", and yet some people just wallow in their own self-pity and will never ever get over themselves and recover. When you are so worried about yourself all the time, how can you possibly be a good mother to someone else? Or a good wife/girlfriend/friend? I've unfortunately been the agoraphobic, and I've been the agoraphobics friend. As the friend, it was miserable. Nothing was ever about anything else but them. It was annoying and frustrating. And completely in their hands to change it, but they wouldn't. Because they're too selfish and self centered. Those aren't qualities people like in a person." Opinions please?
Read more

It DID get worse..

-
Image
...now there's a shocker! I have spent the entire evening in hospital. We had to call an ambulance, these feelings in my heart were insane. I was sat in the back on the ambulance and they did all my obs. I was tachycardic, my BP was really high (usually its stupid low) and my ECG was showing Atrial fibrillation, meaning the top two chambers of my heart are beating faster than the bottom two. I was put on oxygen as well because my breathing was a little bit crappy. The medic man stuck a candular in my hand and hit a valve apparently, my hand swelled up in seconds, it was so painful. Got to the hospital and did all the necessary things and then we had to wait...and wait...and wait. Where they'd stuck that needle in the back of my hand and hit the valve, it started going dead. I couldn't feel 4 of my fingers! I called to get someone to take the bugger out. I'm left with a lovely bit blue bruise this morning. My step-father was called to pick us up because we thoug...
Read more