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In the cold light of day and back to normality, instead of thinking i did well to go away for a week....i'm laying here thinking what a failure i am.............

Why?

1) I SHOULD be able to go away. I went away EVERY SINGLE YEAR from the age of 11 months to 21 years old.
2) Probably ruined my boyfriends holiday by not being more *fun*. Put me in a pub/club situation and i panic. Can't do it.
3) Feel really ugly and sorry for my boyfriend having to be around me. All my pictures my scars are so visible, really destroying my already zero confidence.
4) Can't help comparing how much fun my boyfriend could have had if he'd been with someone else (an ex?). He's not said that, in fact he's said he's very proud of what i did, but i can't help feeling like a 36 year old going on 96. I'm so fucking dull.
5) Wish i could just get up and go somewhere without all the mental preparation beforehand. I can't remember what it's like to just do things, on the spare of the moment.
6) Still............COULD DO BETTER :(


Comments

Miss F said…
No, be proud of yourself !!!!! I waould love to get to the point where i can go away on a trip, and i am sure you will find it even better the next time you try.
And you will do better, look at what improvements you have made, they are inspiring !!!!
29/08/2011, 07:52
em said…
you really shouldnt be so hard on yourself sarah. you did brilliantly. my therapist said i should be kind to myself, you should too. why treat yourself like the bullies treated you? all the time you scold yourself you wont move forward. i know i should take some of my own advice too! take care. x
29/08/2011, 19:06
Kaci said…
I think it is amazing you were able to get away for a week! I totally wish I could! You can't keep worrying about how things should be. And you are pretty. And clearly your boyfriend thinks so too, because he is with you! He knows your limitations and if he is proud of you, you should believe him :) Try focusing on the things that you are doing right rather than the things you feel aren't going the way you want. I know it can be difficult, but sometimes it helps me.
29/08/2011, 23:20
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