Dilemma...
I don't know what to do... So confused with it all.
I have just called the boyfriend after not speaking to him since 8 this morning (he's off sick) to see if he was okay and i got ANOTHER mouthful... WTF??
I simply cannot do this any more. I'm fed up, the only thing is that he's helped me so much with getting out, if i end the relationship, i'll be back to square one, on my own with no one.
*Le Sigh*
I have just called the boyfriend after not speaking to him since 8 this morning (he's off sick) to see if he was okay and i got ANOTHER mouthful... WTF??
I simply cannot do this any more. I'm fed up, the only thing is that he's helped me so much with getting out, if i end the relationship, i'll be back to square one, on my own with no one.
*Le Sigh*
Comments
Have you asked him why he is so pissy and what is going on or what is bothering him or does he always just get so upset?
It's a difficult position to be in :(
x
xxx
I'm just really concerned that i won't be going out as much, like shopping, to see my friend especially since i don't rely on Mother Goose as much these days, she doesn't have time, nor do i expect her to ferry me different places, so my very limited social life will go down the drain immediately.
I think you're right as well when you said he was obviously put in my life for a 'reason'....not a ''season or lifetime'.... Saddens me, but i've got to think of MY emotional health here...and currently it's fooked.
Hope you're well beautiful xxxx
us 'mentalists' seem to allow other people (whether it be partners, friends, families etc) mess with our emotions...more so we seem to let them hurts us and we justify it because we 'think' we deserve no better, that it is our fault, that we must have done something wrong somewhere along the lines to be punished.
Sarah...YOU DO NOT deserve to be made to feel this way...this is not your problem...in my opinion it is the bf that is moody and unpredictable (at least we can blame hormones)
And as for the cutting...this makes me sad....try not to cut ( i know...pot kettle black etc)
You deserve to be happy always remeber that :)
Love you lots x x x
I wish i did have balls and stand up for myself but i don't, I don't do the confrontational arguing thing well at all. I don't know if its because i'm not all that articulate and i can't think quick enough to defend myself....OR....i take the blame for everything because it's easier and it must be my fault he's arsy since no one else has pissed him off....
Relationships are hard work!!!!!
Hope you're doing alright Missy, i'm stalking you on Twitter... :)
x
I know its difficult because you obviously love your boyfriend, but never stay with someone just because you will be lonely if you end the relationship. You coped before you met your boyfriend.
A relationship takes two to work at it.
You can do a lot better, and honestly I know a lot about alcoholics. My parents died of alcoholism, and my ex of 10 years was an alcoholic. Being with someone who gets nasty on drink or drinks too much is a nightmare.If your bf gets moody and all the rest with you when drinking, then imagine what it would be like, if you and your son and him lived together. Would you want your son to witness that?
Sarah, you are a bright and intelligent woman, dont just spend your time with someone who is not worthy of you, because you may end up lonely. You can find someone else anyway! He is not the only man in the world. I would rather be alone than be with someone who treats me badly.
I am going to shut up now. I just feel sorry for you.x
He's very rarely nasty when he's drinking... but it's very rare he doesn't drink.
I wouldn't ever move in with him. Not in my plans at all.
He's not the only man in the world, but there's not many men who'd be as good or as understanding with my illness as he's been.
:(
I do understand his usefulness though...you trust him to take you out, and that is HUGE. There haven't been a lot of people you can do that with. HOWEVER, it also goes to show that you CAN trust someone. Which certainly means you can trust someone else. Maybe that hot piece you shipped over from So. Wales? lol.
I do find it a tad baffling that your boyfriend would be so okay with your friendship with a hot single man. My husband is pretty cool about my friends...but even he has underlying caution because he doesn't want to lose me. Natural protective instincts one might say. You may want to see that as a warning sign, just as he isn't committing to you. But please please remember, above all else, its not YOU. It's him. There is nothing wrong with you...you should be able to be yourself 100% and still be loved. You shouldn't have to work for it by kissing arse or being an eager to please or bow down to his every command. No one deserves to be a doormat.
I think the moving on as though everything is fine, is perhaps a bloke thing? Simon will do that.. (he calls sticking on a dvd -as though that makes everything alright as "building bridges".. I all it ignorance, cos thats far easier!) because we've been together so much he knows exactly what hurts, and every time he will be the one to go below the belt (usually using me being ill), and he will say it likes its nothing, but to me its crushing yet it also makes me angry.. How dare he do that when I trust him.. Isn't that what the men in our lives are meant to do, protect us, keep us safe, be kind, take care of us emotionally.. I know I will snap sometimes, maybe nag here and there, but Simon gets proper personal.. I get the brunt of other problems too, money, work etc.. The point is, I know how you feel and how much it can upset you.
Maybe your fella just sees it as his time without you is his time only? It sounds as though he feels suffocated? Im not saying you are, not at all.. but he seems to react as if he feels that way.
I know most weekends I feel as though I cant move for Simon and Jay following me, its like dinner, decisions etc, all fall to bits if Im not there.. and at times (I only really wanna get ready in peace/have time to wake up) it does bug me a bit. At the time Im not thinking 'isnt it sweet, Im wanted' Im thinking, please give me a breather. But then again, I don't know just how much time you 2 are together.. by the sounds of it though it isnt all that much! Maybe you're just interrupting his drinking.. maybe drinking is making him paranoid.. maybe he feels too much pressure to help you get better? I don't know, but clearly something is going on with him, then again, this may just be him, a side to him that isn't all that pleasant.. And if you cant talk to him (I know what this is like too), then write him a letter and give him a weekend to read it and think about it.. Ive done that, cant say it works everytime though! I remember in the beginning I wrote Simon a really long email and we agreed to have a weekend apart to work things out.. then I rang him to tell him what I was thinking/what I thought may help, and he was just on his way out with mates while I was sat at home thinking ways to work stuff out!
Youve just got to be honest, for both your sakes, if you want this to work youve got to get it all out there, cards on the table.. and if even after all that he does nothing, doesnt even try to talk or work things out or agrees that he needs to stop snapping at the least, then theres your answer.. Because the fact is, you can't, nor should you carry on like this, its not fair on you and no one person can take on the work of two, he has to do his bit, and where the two of you are concerned (phobias etc aside), it seems as though its all on your shoulders.
And you will be alright if the worst happened, he may have helped, but you did the biggest part of the work.. maybe things may go a little off course if you were to split up, but I have no doubt in your ability and strength to get things back on track pretty soon.
Im sorry, I dont want this to read like you should throw in the towel and its easy peasy.. I also see how much he has helped you, how happy you seem in the photos and all the rest.. But I just see how upset and hurt you are at times, its as though you dont know left from right and like you arent getting what you really want out of things.. And worrying if the next call you make is going to set him off and that feeling of having to keep things bottled up.. they all wear you down, and everyone deserves some happiness.. Life is too short. x
The boyfriend said when we first got together how he's not the jealous type.... That's blatantly obvious. I have said to him i doubt i'd be so easy going if he wanted a chick to stay and i certainly wouldn't make excuses not to be there, i'd move in to his place while she was there!
I have to make him happy...or at least TRY my hardest because of what it must be like being with an agoraphobic, saying that, although i have the mental problems, he's certainly no walk in the park and if i ever said that to him, he'd never admit it in a million years, probably because he's too pissed to remember what he does and he only remembers the parts when he takes me out and being nice to me....
I need to be more assertive......or not such a doormat.
x
He definitely see's his time as HIS time only, but seeing each other ONCE in the last 7 days is hardly a suffocating relationship. Does he feel pressure to help me? No. He won't do anything he doesn't want to do. If i wrote him a letter he'd see that as me not appreciating him and pulling him up on the faults he has, when i know right now it'd all be turned around on ME and what i ALWAYS do wrong... Which when asked sober he can't say anything, ask him when he's drunk and i'd be the worlds worst girlfriend.
You know something, when Leon was here, he showed him a website that was basically escorts, pages and pages of naked women who charge for sex. He was going through the thumbnails clicking on every girl who looked like she either had a nice set of boobs OR had that filthy slutty look about her. How do you think that made me feel? Okay - they're blokes together, having a drink, looking at womens tits, that's fine - BUT NOT IN FRONT OF YOUR SELF LOATHING GIRLFRIEND!!!!!! For fucks sake, will he ever learn? And the more i write replies to people, the more i can see what a fucking joke this relationship is.
Really what is the point of me trying?
It's clear that he doesn't consider me as much as he pretends he does.
x
My guess is the pissiness is because he repressed his true feelings about Leon's visit : he bottled his jealousy, it turned toxic on him, and now it's leaking out in weird ways.
I doubt it matters whether you think of Leon as a 'non-romantic male friend' or not. Your BF will be thinking of him as a rival because that's the way men are, especially men in their breeding prime (30s and 40s). It's hard wired into them - just your basic animal anthropological territorialness. At the same time, men don't dare ever admit to their jealousies because that makes them look and feel weak, unenlightened and politically incorrect - which is another 'modern bloke thing' - that socially conditioned ego thing to appear cool and superior and on top of everything all the time.
He tells you and behaves like he's not the jealous type? Rubbish and pretense. All real men are territorial 'jealous types', always have been, always will be. Just because there's a New Age fashionable trend to be non-jealous, pfft and nonsense - it's an illusion.
Bottom line as I see it : you may have made a naive but big mistake in inviting Leon into your home. Ultimately love is all about demonstrating our values and allegiances to our partner. 'Allegiance' is another huge bloke thing, and what occurred last weekend with you spending time alone in your home with a long term secret male correspondent ... ouch Sarah, I doubt the BF will admit it to anyone, but I bet he's secretly thinking of it all as a major betrayal. Think about it. How would you be feeling if you were in his shoes?
Speaking about 'demonstrating values and allegiances' ... your tale about the two men exploring pornography in your home - how disgusting. And also very revealing about the emotional maturity of the both of them. You deserve better Sarah, way better than this sort of rubbish behaviour!
Have read your blog for a while, found it through NMP. (I’m allergyphobia!)
Have you seen the film he’s just not that into you? I don’t buy all this ‘he’s jealous and acting out’ stuff. I do believe if a guy wants to make the effort then he will do… he’ll go to extreme lengths to make sure you feel the best. I completely understand you love this guy, and you want to do anything to make him happy, but when did you stop thinking of your own happiness? Maybe where before this guy used to help you, for some reason he now sees this vulnerability as a weakness, and to be honest the way he acts sometimes is like he is exploiting you… taking everything out on you, when he knows how it could affect you? It’s not fair or right, but that’s easy for an insider to say. I know that as soon as he is OK again, you will be.. cos that’s how us women work sadly . I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you, even though I don’t know you…. You seem a lovely woman and I know you deserve someone who truly does support you, not make you feel like this.
Take care x
You know you have problems and youre continually working on them, where as he doesnt seem to see his drink as a problem? Until he does, and more to the point, until *he* wants to change it there isn't much you can do about it. You either wait around until he realises he nees to sort it out (and I think that will mean you'll have to toughen up a little and accept some the bad stuff and let him know what your limits really are.. for your own safety and sanity.. Ie also realising its him, NOT you, so no more cutting etc), or you go.. Only you know where hes at in terms of realising how much this is affecting both your lives and how much you want the other stuff, commitment etc too. Theres no shame in realising down the line just how much you would really like some commitment, or realising that actually, he wont change any time soon..
Whats with the escort thing?! Where were you, just sat in the corner twiddling your thumbs!? How horrible. I know they all stare at other women, that in itself is pretty uncomfortable and a bit upsetting, but I couldnt help but say something once the friend had gone.. Like ask why would he do that, make you feel so uncomfortable in your own home, esp when he knows theres issues. He could try to be mindful of how it makes you feel and reign it in a bit.. again, a drink thing??
I don't think its all bad, he clearly does help you and it seems pretty good when hes sober.. But just because you arent 100% its not a green light to feel you have to put up with this. I think theres a lot to be said for the saying about people getting away with what you allow them to. That doesnt mean you have to turn into the big bad boss, nagging and moaning him into shape.. but he shouldnt reduce you to cutting, picking you up and dropping you when you dare to call him. Simon wont always talk, he will leaving me hanging more times than I can count, but he will talk to me sometimes when theres problems.. But if he *never* ever talked/worked stuff out or seemingly didnt care to want to, then as hard as it would be Id have to think of myself and make some serious decisions. I just couldnt live like that all the time.. What do you have if you don't have communication. I'll *Always* help him if theres problems but if that was the issue all the time - not being able to turn to the person I love.. then I dont know, I dont think I could stick around x
I can't think of any other explanation I'm afraid.
He may try not to be a jealous man Sarah, but in the end, he's just a man, and by nature, territorial. Choose to believe otherwise if you wish.
In any case my point remains : I think you deserve better than the sort of abusive behaviour you're getting from him.
I have seen that film, in fact it's in my collection of DVDs. Maybe he's not that into me, because how i behave when i love someone is treating them well and not making them feel like their constantly in the wrong - which i am. No matter what i do - i do it wrong.
He knows he can do it, because he's said before that i am scared of loosing the relationship (can't remember the conversation that went with it though), but he's fully aware how i feel about him and perhaps he is taking advantage now.
I don't know :(
x
I really don't complain with whatever he wants to do, i wouldn't dare say he couldn't - well how could i? We don't live together.
He doesn't think he has a drink problem, but then he wouldn't admit it - or even believe it, i very rarely say anything about that either...but i should when he is having a go at me, that's when i should find my voice and express how pissed off i am. But again....i'm too scared in case i upset him. He would easily with no problem leave the relationship, wouldn't bother him for a second. I think that says a lot!
The Escort thing, i just sat there like a fucking lemon... IN MY HOUSE! How disrespectful? Okay, i know he likes porn a little too much and to be honest, its not done around me, so i don't really care....but when he's checking out hot babes with massive tits - THAT i have a problem with. Did i say anything? No.
I'm a fucking idiot. He obviously doesn't love me any more - it's crystal clear.
Without sounding like a complete dumb arse here. I know that he knows i'm not a girl that would go out and easily 'pull' a fella. He doesn't have THAT fear with me.... I've never been chatted up, all my past boyfriends have either been colleagues or friends. Never once have i had a man approach me. There is no worry that another man would find me attractive. I could go out and sit in a room full of men and he wouldn't care....
x
Choose your relationships wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.
Well said...well said.
He moans about being too fat, bald, moans too much(!), is unfit and all the rest, yet he doesnt think for a second I'll go off with someone else. I guess theres security in knowing someone (me) has low self esteem, is shy, rarely leaves the house let alone go clubbing or something in order to meet people.. Im 31 now too, I have a child usually in tow, and I just think maybe I had something when I was younger when I wasn't so shy.. but now I feel old, messed up, too thin and ugly and I don't think anyone notices me at all! And while he moans about being this person who no one would want, he clearly doesnt believe it otherwise he wouldnt have the balls to check out pretty women, smile back at them and whatever else he does. I think as far as thats concerned its something I need to work on.. If they were flirting and taking it further then thats something else, but I know myself that its wrong to be so bothered.. OK, it is disrespectful, but I shouldnt get so upset.. Im the one with low self esteem and I have to work on that. Plus theres little I can do about it.. other than poke his eyes in!
Dont complain about what? I didn't mean to imply you complain :)
I reckon your friend is right.. Leave it. Dont call him. Just leave it and see.. Then you might have your answer. Maybe he will call you having missed you. x
"You can't change someone. Either accept who they are, or start living without them."
i know you have not been alone and you have had your mum,i know you can't rely on her all the time but why not try finding somebody else,go out to a bar with a friend or sister etc and go on the dating seen again,your never to old and ur beautiful so i'm sure any man would chat you up xx♥xx
I agree with everything you said. My boyfriend though doesn't have any issues with himself, in fact i think he takes it the opposite way and believes there's not many women who wouldn't fall for him, and given proof that i don't think he's been single since he was 18 (apart from a matter of months here and there) says a lot about him/his commitment issues/his inability to stay in ONE faithful relationship, and he gets whoever he wants....
Why wouldn't you get upset??? Just like MY bf, yours knows too that you don't have a very high opinion of yourself - so why the fuck do it????? Are they that insensitive and fucking stupid?? Do it behind my back all he likes, when he's not with me, don't care - cause i can't see it, but if i'm in the car/walking out with you....whatever, surely he can restrain himself just for that short space of time.
GRRRRRRRRR!!
I'd rather be alone than have to meet someone new.
x
I met Mr S through Match.com! :op
Im not ballsy enough to chat someone up, and I think I would struggle now.. Im at this point where I give far too much info away, am too honest and too down on myself, thats not that attractive is it! Dunno how I got this way, dating was fun about 10 years ago, now the very thought of it would put sheer terror into me! ..T'internet dating gets my vote! x
"Hi. I'm Sarah, divorced twice, mother of a 12 year old boy. Can't go out, so 'dating' would be difficult...i have many mental health issues...including depression, agoraphobia, panic attacks and BDD........."
Not quite a catch ;)
x