BEING SARAH.......

I don't know how many of you out there watch/ed "Friends", but i still watch it every night on E4.....re-run after re-run. Anyway...i remember the episode after Rachel gave Ross the 17 page letter (front and back) and he pulls her up on the Y.O.U.R, means your, Y.O.U.'R.E means you are......i've just had that exact same conversation with my son!!!!! :) Enough of that.... I would urge you all to visit the DAILY MAIL website at least once a day. I love it. News/health/weather/all things silly AND celebrity bullshit...what more could you ask for?? I've just had another little lookie and there's an article about Mr David Beckham and.....James Corden.....now that's a big piece of handsome man pie - right there. Hot, hot, hot!!! It's snowing quite a lot here now.... :(

...why young girls are starving themselves? Dying from eating disorders when pictures like this are plastered all over the internet. Girls aspire to look like this. Most youngsters believe that brains/personality don't come into it. Give them a size 0 body, enormous fake boobs and a footballer husband and apparently, you're set for life. Makes me angry! (P.S I want a breast enlargement because i am FLAT and NOT because i want to look like this chick!)

Good old fashioned Skyping! It's going to snow tonight so to save my boyfriend from having to dig himself out tomorrow morning, we decided that it'd be better for him to stay at home.... So, we Skyped instead :)

There is a very light dusting this morning on the ground, but my lovely neighbour has just informed me that we're getting it.........TONIGHT! My chionophobia has just gone mental. I hate snow. The agoraphobic feels claustrophobic when it snows. Ha. How ironic??? I'm a strange girl. I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it - what else can i do?

No. 1 - I HATE CHRISTMAS. No. 2 - Why do people act like it's the end of the world? Pushing and shoving? No. 3 - Why is everything so expensive? Each shop i went in, i was spending £100 - £150 Yesterday i bought for... My sister My Brother in law My newphew (no. 1) My niece My step dad My auntie My dad and his wife My newphew (no. 2) My mum My ex I still have to buy for Stinky, Bean, my nephew (no. 3) and my best friend. I purchased a lot of things for Stink, but i still have to get him his "Big" present, although i got him a lappy for his birthday, so i don't really know. I got my boyfriend quite a few things, but i still need to buy a few more. Today, i've spent 4 hours winter cleaning my house. I used so much bleach, my nostrils are actually burning and i have a major headache. It's -3, very cold, and i think snow is on its way....

Just booked myself in for the 2nd tooth extraction. 3.30pm - THIS AFTERNOON! I cannot wait until the 16th of December, no way. I am in too much pain. Wish me luck, i am panicking like a loon. Deep breaths.

Don't know how to explain this. I feel like something is missing from my life, perhaps it's just the fact that i don't really have one that is getting to me? Or is it all about my relationship? 'Something' doesn't feel right. Perhaps Bean isn't all that genuine? I don't know, i'm sad and depressed and need a good cheering up, that's what i think. I'm not a lover of Christmas and with that just around the corner...i'm worried. Worried that i will spoil it because i have zero festive cheer. In fact, i would go as far as saying...I HATE CHRISTMAS. I worked out yesterday, with all the presents i need to buy, it's going to cost me around £600. £600!???? , that's NOT including food. WTF? I could buy a new fence for £500. That seems a better option. Not wasting on shit that people will probably never use and don't really want. My tooth which is waiting to come out is really hurting again. I've got 3 weeks to go unti...

...i think she is :)

Apparently, we're getting snow....soon. I have a fear of snow, oh and fog....and i don't like thunder that much either, but snow along with the fog is on the top of my weather phobias. Just to add to the other LONG list of things that scare the shit out of me!

I am so unhappy, it's like i am on a downward spiral (again). I feel lonely and the last time i felt like this was when i was with my ex husband, i'd sit upstairs at night and he'd sit downstairs - 2 people, 2 different rooms. I would cry every night and every day. I can't put into words how bad i am at the moment, how down i feel and how miserable i am. I'm so tired. Completely worn out, with no more energy... ...and what is worse is that from this morning at 8am i'm on my own until Saturday morning. Seeing no one. Don't get me wrong, i'm not scared of having no one around, it's just that i don't talk to anyone and i have way too much time to think about things. Bad combination.

When you fucking hate yourself as much as i do, can you ever recover from it?

Good day. After the panic attack i had a couple of Sunday's ago, i must admit, it doesn't make you feel good, i like to be cautious. Not to the extent that i don't go out, just more local than having to travel. On TV we saw that a supermarket was selling 1/2 price pork joints. We LOVE a roast, so my boyfriend said we should go and get some. The nearest one is about 15 minutes away, but

My boyfriend, he wants me to move in with him. How exciting is this news? We've been together for nearly 18 months :)

Still think about you Granny. I love and will always miss you. ♥

This is why i hate taking Blogging breaks. I have such much to say today.........bugger!

The news i got yesterday made me realise that life is way too short. We've (my boyfriend and i) and come to the realisation that 'perhaps' blogging isn't my strong point and that after 6 years of doing it, it might be time to move on. SO..I'm taking a break - another one.... If i have any updates, i will VLOG instead. MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL . If you're still interested in what i am up to - then head over there, subscribe....you know the drill! Well..that's all folks (for now anyway). Much love to each and everyone of you who have commented, good/bad/whatever - i appreciate it. Thank you. Miss Sarah. xxxx

The news i got yesterday made me realise that life is way too short. We've (my boyfriend and i) and come to the realisation that 'perhaps' blogging isn't my strong point and that after 6 years of doing it, it might be time to move on. SO..I'm taking a break - another one.... If i have any updates, i will VLOG instead. MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL . If you're still interested in what i am up to - then head over there, subscribe....you know the drill! Well..that's all folks (for now anyway). Much love to each and everyone of you who have commented, good/bad/whatever - i appreciate it. Thank you. Miss Sarah. xxxx

I have had some really bad/sad news. I need to take time out. God bless.

I've been awake most of the night, thinking....doing a lot of thinking, and really before i start typing this, i should have made a coffee to help me along. I was going over in my head the issues between me and one certain girl. This ISN'T a blog slagging her off, nothing like that. I just came up with some legitimate comparisons between Real life and the internet. In REAL LIFE i have NEVER EVER had any person ( apart from my evil ex, oh, and the bullies ) who have ever hated me as much. I go through my life, with my mental health problems managing to AVOID drama and such people that create drama. So how is it that in the WWW i got myself caught up in the mindless nonsense. Nonsense that just doesn't go away? It just doesn't happen on any day, in reality (we'll take family out of the equation for this blog....no one gets on with families ALL the time!). I have my friends and WE GET ON. It's simple. We don't argue.....we don't fall out........

YES! That is me. That is what i have. Tonight, i have decided in the new year i am going to NO longer pine for the breasts i have always wanted, i am going to get them done. Not stupid big, because lets not forget i am a size 6/8, weighing about 7st. So 'D' cups are a no-no. I wouldn't be opposed to large 'B' cup though..., but i am pretty sure my surgeon will know what is best for me and my frame.... VERY EXCITED!!! :)

BACKGROUND. My step father has been strange for MANY years. He's controlled my sister and I since we were very young. It was like living with a Sargent Major in an Army camp. And i am not exaggerating. He's hit my sister and BEAT me, more than once. This is what happened, the worst time. I was 16, my sister was 21. We'd just been to the airport to pick them up from a holiday, he was always miserable when his holiday had finished, but aren't most people?? When we got home, we all sat round the dinner table and my sister and step father (although they HATED each other) together they would love to wind me up. After 20 minutes of constant picking from them, i got up from the table and said "I'm not putting up with this this anymore." With that, my step father dragged me by the hair, back handed hit me across the head, i fell down on the floor where he repeatedly kicked and hit me. I was curled up in with my arms covering my head. By this point my si...

I am considering to go 'live' on BlogTV. I watch several people on there are really enjoy it. I think it would be fun...

...being with a hairdresser. 1) Of course are the free haircuts, that would normally cost £45. 2) The free highlighting that would cost over £100.. ...but this is far more exciting... 3) The amazing freebies i get. I was given Redken shampoo and conditioner AND some Elemis products too. Whoop. Funnily enough, it was a product for stress headaches, and i seem to have a big one at the moment. A STRESS RELATED HEADACHE that is! Other news... Nanna's funeral is next Friday. Now the next problem is, should stinky attend, or not? It's another toughy...

Your friend reads MY blog, most days. I read her blog. Okay? So if i comment, it doesn't make me want to be "BFF" (we don't use that term here), i am simply commenting. You are seriously fucked up to even have that thought in your head. I have plenty of friends here, why on earth do i want to 'befriend' someone a gazillion miles away?? I didn't realise you were her voice and keeper. If she didn't want the comment, she could have easily deleted it. I wouldn't have minded, i even said that. STOP stirring up unnecessary shit...and get on with being pregnant.

Right. I am so fucking angry right now. I left a comment on a blog i read, that happens to be a friend of American girl... Here is my comment... Sarah♥ said... I know i am not meant to comment on your blog, so i apologise. I really feel for your loss, another loss, that is so sad. I do know how it feels to go through miscarriages, and it's not pleasant. I do believe things happen for a reason, and when your time is right, you'll fall pregnant again. Just pick yourself up, take a break and start again. Life IS shit at times and it throws ton's of it at us, but the great saying is "What doesn't kill us, will make us stronger." Take time out for YOU. Get fit, stop smoking (i should really think about that one), and enjoy your family... just for a while. I have a friend who has to use Progesterone suppositories to keep her baby (in there) - at least for 12 weeks after conception. She is still terrified at nearly 10 weeks that someone awful is going to happen. Bei...

November will go down AGAIN for the shittiest month of the year. I got a call from my ex this morning to say that Stinky's 'GREAT' Nanna had died at 5.30am, she was 97. I am so upset. It's horrible. She was a lovely lady, but after suffering a fall in May she never recovered. On Wednesday she was transferred to a nearby hospital and was given 2 days to live. She refused water/food and was on a drip but kept pulling it out. My ex went to see her and all she said was "Please God, let me die, i am dying, please take me God." Clearly God didn't want her then..... I'm sad because i've got to tell Stinky later on. I've notified the school and they've suggested a day off tomorrow. If anyone can offer me advice (BEFORE 3PM) on how to tackle this subject with my son, i would really appreciate it. He knew she was ill, but i don't think he quite 'got it'... :( So yeah. November is also the month when i lost my granny at the age o...

All i can say is that i AM great! Today, despite my horrendous panic attack yesterday, i got straight back out this morning and went shopping with my boyfriend (and walking around town too!). See - I need to remember these few things...keep my head in check... 1) Up until a few months ago, i could only go out with my mother. 2) I've been camping! 3) Panic attacks are further apart.4 4) I have BEEN ILL for 6 weeks! 5) Rewind a few years and if i'd had a panic attack, i wouldn't have gone out again for weeks, perhaps months. 6) I drove nearly 5 hours away....IN THE DARK. 7) I am so much stronger than i realise. 8) I have a very supportive partner now, who doesn't get mad if i panic. 9) I have lots of friends that are too, very supportive. 10) I am the proud owner of Take That's new CD, out today ;) Good grief, i do fricking well considering my mental health has been shot to bits since 1998. I am super proud of myself and all i have achieved.

"Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom he has no relationship (or no longer has), with motives that are directly or indirectly traceable to the affective sphere. Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect)."

TOURETTES? It would appear that way! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. This morning, got up, dressed and went to my boyfriends place. Stayed there for a bit, went round friends to congratulate them on the birth of their baby girl (who i have to say was gorgeous and so very tiny), then to one supermarket where we picked up a HALF PRICE duck! Oh my gosh, it's amazing, and so cheap (however, i don't eat meat!). After that we took the short drive to Sainsburys, driving up to Sainsburys car park OUT OF THE FRICKING BLUE - PANIC ATTACK! I couldn't believe it. From no where...hit me. Without hesitation my boyfriend drove round and out of the car park, only to be greeted with a nose-to-tail traffic jam. I am SO disappointed, because there was no warning to say that it might or could possibly happen. He's was very supportive and calming as normal, but this panic attack hit my stomach and anything stomach related freaks me out (because of my emetophobia). BAD PANIC ATTACK, VER...

...(apart from certain people) is this... I REALLY DISLIKE buying *things* for the house. Spending money on housey things. Let me give you an example. Today i had to purchase a new mop, an ironing board cover and a washing up bowl, which to be honest didn't cost me much at all, around £20 - BUT (and that's a really big but), i resented spending it. I could be spending that £20 on better things, like clothes, or FOOD... After i bought that shite, i spent a further £55 on clothes for my huge, ever growing son. I cannot believe how big he is. Taller than my mum (when she's in heels)..and almost as tall as me. Let me tell you something super exciting. When i went to the sedation dental clinic the other day, in my Converse shoes i was measuring 5ft 3.5, so take off that 1/2 inch and i am 5ft 3. This makes me super happy. I ALWAYS thought i was 5ft 2.5. Na ah....i am TALL!!! I'm feeling a lot more normal today. I've just got in from being round friends with...

"I am someone who is looking for love, REAL love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other, love, and i don't think that love is here." - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the city.

For the first time in 6 weeks i've not taken a paracetamol (or 2) for 12 hours, and right now i am experiencing terrible stomach cramps AND nausea. Could this be withdrawal???? If it is, it's bloody horrible :(

I've been feeling ill now for way too long. Yesterday i got a fever, which was nice. The (2 weeks worth of) antibiotics aren't doing me any favours either, and even worse, don't seem to be helping at all. Today, i am back on 2 hourly doses of medication. I feel like dogs shit to be blunt. I'm exhausted, fed up and getting more depressed and more agoraphobic by the bloody day. I've not been out 'properly' for weeks. Quick trip to Tesco's is about my limit, any more than that and my anxiety goes through the roof. My lovely boyfriend brought me round (without being asked even!) some more ibuprofen in his lunch break. I can still only manage frigging over cooked veg to eat and i still have a face like hell. SPOTS EVERYWHERE. I can't help feeling so low, i think the next person would given the length of time i have felt like this. I feel SO shit, i had to ironically cancel my doctors appointment! I went to the sedation dentists yesterday and i...

MATT CARDLE, SIMPLY BRILLIANT!! ..and what beautiful eyes he has too...and so very handsome. Another Essex lad does us proud.

..subscribers on my YOUTUBE CHANNEL . I know it's not a lot compared to others, but for me - i am over the moon :)

I'm having a really shit down day today. I am hating myself. I feel disgustingly fat and ugly. My face looks like i have chickenpox. I'm hidden away upstairs in my bedroom while my son and boyfriend are playing the X-Box. Suits me. I think because i've been in pain now for so fricking long, i am tired of it. Last night was the first night in WEEKS that i didn't get up 2/3 times to take medication. I did wake up loads because of a headache, but i didn't move, just lay there, in pain. My gum/dry socket is not actually hurting as much as it did yesterday, i don't have that the intense pain of electric shocks in my face, but it is still throbbing. I feel worthless and useless and there is no point to me at all. Waste of space comes to mind.

...an expert at having teeth removed i just KNEW that this pain i was still experiencing wasn't normal. I've had A LOT of teeth taken out including all 4 wisdom teeth and even they didn't hurt as much as this one. So when i was getting electric-like-shocks through my gum/side of head and ear, something had to be wrong. I walked into the dentist today and waited for around 50 minutes before being seen, and as soon as i sat down, she prodded the gum (which hurt MORE than the tooth extraction) and i was swiftly diagnosed with 'dry socket'. She rammed a piece of gauze (i think) into the hole, which had an antibiotic on it and clove oil from what i could taste and i was sent away with another 7 days of antibiotics. Lovely. Fingers crossed the pain starts to subside soon.

Who are you?

Chipmunk is the word that comes into mind today! I am SO swollen. Had an awful night sleep. I was awake at 12, 1, 2, 3, 5 and 7! Each time waking up in agony. I've not taken pain relief since 5, so it's 4 1/2 hours, and i can *just* feeling it starting again. I'm rinsing with salt water, so that will help the healing process. UGH! THE PAIN.

And it's gone. No sedation. No panic. A little fast racing heart, but that's to be expected. Get in there at 8.55 and i am called straight in. Sit in the chair and i have an x-ray taken. That little thing they put in your mouth made me gag, so i was thinking that isn't a good start. Then she pulled out the injection. First one went into the back of my jaw. I FELT NOTHING. NO pain going in at all. Second injection went under the tooth, again - I FELT NOTHING! I was so happy, because i was more scared of the injections to be totally honest. Within 5 minutes out came the tools, i was totally numb (and still am). Then things went bad. The tooth wouldn't come out. I was told it generally takes between 2 - 5 minutes for an extraction. I was there 15 - 20 minutes. Every time she tried to pull it, little bits kept breaking off. So more digging was needed. I had my eyes open for most of it so i could see what was going on. She would get one lever tool, then a...

...before i sit in the dentists chair, WITHOUT BEING SEDATED and have my tooth taken out. I am going to be brave, well, saying that...i would have "Joe Bloggs" take it out i am in so much pain! I don't give a shit who does it, i just want it gone, so i can sleep. Waking up at 2/3/4/5am in agony is NOT fun. Right now, i am nauseated (again). I am on antibiotics, ibuprofen AND co-codamol. I'm staggering the pain relief so i am always covered, however, within an hour of taking the painkillers the pain returns. I am NOT a happy girl. This week has been shitty. Stinky got a bad cold, then my boyfriend got an even worse cold (we'll just call it "Man flu"). I've seen him ONCE since last Wednesday. He's still ill now, and what with me and my tooth pain, we're not a good couple at the moment. Ugh. I am off to cry in pain now............

Hello my wonderful blog readers. As you know, i do have a Statcounter on my blog that has been on here FOREVER! Anyway, i know most of the people who come here, but there is one reader that i am unsure of, because they read through their iphone ...., i would like to know who is it? They do read most days too...so, yay for a frequent reader :) Is THIS you!?