BEING SARAH.......

IF ONE MORE PERSON SAYS TO ME - IF MY MOTHER/BOYFRIEND STOPPED HELPING ME TO GO SHOPPING/GETTING OUT ETC, THEN I WOULD HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF AND I WOULD GET BETTER, IS A FUCKING WANKER. I AM NOT GOING TO 'ALL OF A SUDDEN' NOT HAVE PANIC ATTACKS ANY MORE BECAUSE NO ONE IS HELPING ME. THEY NEED TO HAVE A PANIC DISORDER FOR A WEEK. THE IDIOTS. I UNDERSTAND TOTALLY THAT IT 'CAN' BE SEEN AS ENABLING ME TO STAY ILL - BUT I SIMPLY CANNOT DO THESE THINGS ALONE. YES, THEY ARE MORE THAN WELCOME TO STOP HELPING ME.... BUT I WILL JUST COPE, LIKE I HAVE DONE WHEN I WAS HOUSEBOUND BEFORE.

Before...... Did a lot of pulling up, the Golden Rod was/is taking over...so i replaced it with a hydrangea that has been in a pot for years, probably root bound!! ...and....after....! Still REALLY green. Very happy with my garden right now.

..with his new fancy blue cast that was put on this morning!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Made it round to the boyfriends mothers house where he's cutting the grass and I'm sitting in the sun :) - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Camping isn't happening. I'm a failure, once again.

...can you please advise me of some good apps.... I am getting mighty bored of the ones i have. Thanks.

I have GOT to get a grip and not let this shit get me down any more. 'Down' days are okay, everyone gets them. We all get moody, pissed off, fed up, annoyed, frustrated, stressed...... but letting it to the point when i am staring at the utensil drawer is NOT GOOD. I'm worried that i've been feeling a little more panicky too, this is a dangerous place to be, because it takes no effort at all to start thinking negatively and all those 'what if's' when i go out. I have too much to do to be agoraphobic again. I'm too busy to be stuck indoors. Lets hope a bit of British sunshine can get me back on track. It's going to be hot this weekend :) Let's ignore Tuesday ;)

Me and the boyfriend are off for our first camping trip this weekend, minus the broken wrist boy, he's staying at his aunties for the night. I've found a nice site, right near the sea, which has 'entertainment' AND a bar.... The weather is looking GOOOOOD for Sunday and Monday, so should be a nice weekend. Fingers crossed.

After my post yesterday my day went from bad to worse! Had a phone call from my sons school saying that he'd hurt himself at break time, a year 11 shit kicked a ball at him, he tried to stop it and he'd hurt his wrist. Now, my boy is accident prone to say the least, and it's not the first time i've had a "Come and get Stinky" call. I put the down from the school, rang up my mother to come and get me to pick him up as they suggested a trip to A & E would be sensible just to make sure that nothing serious was wrong... About 5 minutes later, i get ANOTHER call from the school saying they've had to call the paramedic because my boy has gone into shock and blacked out. I'm panicking now.....I have to get to the school NOW... I start walking to meet my mother. Get to the school and he's in the medical room, arm slinged as a precaution but he's on the floor with his legs in the air because when the paramedic got there his blood pressure was 70/33...

Midnight last night i was still awake, i went downstairs to make myself a decaf tea and standing by the utensil drawer i had a massive overwhelming urge to cut. I realise now this is more than feeling 'down'. Depression has clearly set in. It was really scary. I have self harmed in the past, not for a while and it's always been after a row or i've failed at something, this was totally out-of-the-blue. Over the last few weeks i've been getting more tetchy about going out, more negative thoughts about what 'might' or 'might not' happen. It's not good, i am NOT feeling good. After i came back upstairs, scared and frightened, i lay in bed wondering WHY did i develop agoraphobia? Is it Karma for something i had done before i was 22? Did i bring this on myself? Am i being punished by the big man upstairs? I just don't know. I cry all the time at the moment. So fucking down. I really HATE my life. What's worse is that i have no one...

I caught Doozie biting her foot last night. I had a look and there was a (slightly bigger than) pea sized lump near one of her toes and a rather fetching shade of pea to match. Obviously you can't leave it to see if it 'might' go away because all i had in my head was that if i left it she'd get blood poisoning and all the infection would go around her little body and kill her. Yes, slightly dramatic, but you all know that my dog means the world to me!!!! So this afternoon i took her to the vets and to cut a long story short, 5 minutes = £120!!!! Yes you read right....5 minutes of vet time, 2 injections and some pills cost me £120. A LOT of money. What the vet THOUGHT (he wasn't 100%) is that she might have got an insect bite then got it infected by keep biting it....but like i said - HE WASN'T CERTAIN! WTF? £120 and he's NOT certain? Is he taking the piss? Anyway...have to wait and see if the pus ball disappears, it better! Apart from that bit of ex...

CLICK HERE!!!!!!

Because i had such a shitty weekend, I was down, then the boyfriend was down on Sunday, he got pissed and had a go at me (not great!), we were meant to see my friend on Sunday morning but he let me down for the second week running. I was really unhappy. Spent the entire weekend on my own. Monday, he finally turned up at 11am, we went over to see my friend. When we got there the midwife was visiting. She's having a hard time. 18 hours sleep in 2 weeks. Baby feeds all the time. He eats for minutes, then falls asleep. She puts him down. He cries. She leaves him for a bit. She picks him back up because he only fed for a little while, he falls asleep again. She puts him down, he cries.... It's like that all day long. She is totally exhausted. When we got there yesterday morning, she hadn't even had a cup of tea. I made her a drink, then went out, got her lunch and took it back round for her. Luckily, he was sleeping while she ate... Had five minutes peace. I wish...

...granted, there are still a few 'bald' patches in my grass, the it's 80% there. Just look how green it is. A-MAZ-ING! Typical British summer i have to add. Rain, rain and more rain! :)

This time it's going on for ages. Putting off the boyfriend coming round, feeling ugly, fat, useless....(YOU KNOW THE DRILL). There is nothing that is pulling me out of this one. Spending another night alone. The boy is with his dad, and like i said, i didn't want to see the boyfriend because it's not fair on him when i'm feeling this low... I wish i felt better.

This time it's going on for ages. Putting off the boyfriend coming round, feeling ugly, fat, useless....(YOU KNOW THE DRILL). There is nothing that is pulling me out of this one. Spending another night alone. The boy is with his dad, and like i said, i didn't want to see the boyfriend because it's not fair on him when i'm feeling this low... I wish i felt better.

...is shocking. I moisturise it because it's dry, using the most sensitive moisturiser i can find, but then if i use it for too long (IE. 2 days) it causes spots.... It's a lose/lose situation. I don't want to be dry and wrinkly, but whatever i put on my face, causes massive break-outs and infection. GRRRRRRR!!!

..out my new blog!!! Pleaaaaase ;) GETTING IN THE BEST SHAPE EVER - CLICK THIS!!!!

..the WORST experience of my life. I've had a lot of procedures and that is the worst. The stupid nurse convinced me to do it without sedation. My nose was prepped with the numbing spray (that was vile), then i went into the Endoscopy room where they sprayed my nose again. It was running down my throat, tasted hideous. Then it started. I was laying on my side and she started to put the camera up my nose, but it frigging hurt, it hurt like hell. She changed nostrils and tried again - that killed too. She then went to grab the sedation stuff and i said i would try again... This time i persevered with the pain and it got to the back of my throat and that was it....i pulled the fucker out, couldn't cope. With pulling it out, i created possibly the best nose bleed ever. Which, an hour and a half later is still bleeding. So - Endoscopy - FAIL. ...BUT AT LEAST I TRIED.

..and i forgot to mention i am having an Endoscopy/Gastroscopy tomorrow morning due to 'unexplained' stomach pain. I am fooking shitting myself - please - send me positive thoughts. Thanks.

GETTING IN THE BEST SHAPE EVER , is what it is called... Recording my NEW fitness thing that i will have going on as of Friday. Very excited!!

For a very very long time i have been toying the thought of buying a treadmill... I don't do much during the day, so i NEED to do some form of exercise. Okay, i do sit ups everyday...but...it's not cardio. Yesterday i made the decision that i was going to buy one. Looking on the Argos website because i knew they had a sale on at the moment and i found a half decent one for just over £200. I purchased it. It's going to be delivered on Friday...whoop. Whoop. What's even better is that when i looked at it on the site this morning, it's gone up to the normal price of £399.99. Must have changed overnight, but my account definitely says £200. Good buy!? I am planning on not going stupid, just 30 minutes of walking/running a day....start off slowly as i am SO unfit and i've put on nearly a stone in weight. Grrrr.

After my disastrous day yesterday, it only got worse. He's not been getting PISSED for the last month, VERY proud of him, but yesterday he did, what happened? I got a mouthful, as i always do when he's drunk. Not only was he too 'ill' to come and see me, he was perfectly well enough to drink himself silly. WTF!? Happy Anniversary Sarah.

2 year anniversary today. What have i done, anything nice? Well.....the short answer to that is NO! My boyfriend has a headache and has stayed at home all day and i have been frustrated and pissed off, so all i have done is pick my face. I think THIS speaks volumes. Had enough.

If not in England, where would i live ....I would live in Australia or Italy. Love both countries very much..but so different. My dream holiday would be to ...road trip through the U.S.A. My current obsessions are ...YouTube! I know...how 5 years ago am i?? I channel my childhood self when I ....go through my bedroom at my mums house, looking at all my old things. If I had to be outdoors all day I would ...spend it by water. My favorite quality/ies in a man is ....TRUST, honesty, security, fidelity and love. My favourite quality in a woman is ...standing up for herself, being true to who she is and not conforming to what 'society' says.... I'm terrified of ....many things. My dream car is a ...Lamborghini Gallardo. My cocktail of choice i s...Cosmopolitan on the rocks. My celebrity crush is ...Bradley Cooper... My friends and I like to. ..Drink tea and eat cake. If I could go back in time for one decade ...Relive the 90's....that was one hell of a decade! As a tee...

What makes a good friend? A recent British survey found that the average person will have 363 friends during their life — but only six of them will be true friends! So what makes a good friend or a true friend? Here are seven elements: 1. What makes a good friend is someone whom you respect and who respects you. 2. What makes a good friend is someone whom you can trust and who can trust you (and don't try to fool yourself on this element if you have a habit of always showing up late or not keeping agreements with others - even the small agreements, because small agreements are just as important as the big ones.) 3. What makes a good friend is someone who is there when things are tough for you. 4. What makes a good friend is someone who will stand up for you when others are putting you down. 5. What makes a good friend is someone who is proud to hang with you and doesn't walk away when someone more interesting happens to show up. 6. What makes a good friend is someone who doesn...

Woke up this morning feeling particularly down. Not the normal having an 'off day', proper grey clouds, doom/gloom and despair. Don't want to do anything, go anywhere and see anyone. Just want to cry and that is what i am doing. Laying in my pit sobbing like a baby, typing this through streaming eyes. I'm getting the 'don't want to be here any more' thoughts. Maybe, just maybe i am struggling with the fact that my future is not what i want it to be, not heading where i would like it to. There is one resolution that we all know, but am i strong enough to go through that again? Being alone is easier because you don't have the stress of relationship issues and also the guilt of not being 'normal'. I HATE that. Perhaps that's another reason why he won't commit to me, who wants to take on a nut case full-time?? I don't want to get to the stage when he is resenting me like my ex did. When things get nasty (well, they were always ...

One word to describe me at the moment - PANICKY! I've not felt like this in ages, i have no idea why i am feeling this way but it's shite. I am suffering with that awful thing where you feel like you can't get a full breath in, and you spend most of the day either yawning or sighing... HATE IT! Not great. My plans for this evening. Stinkys is at his daddy's. Boyfriend is at his house. I am going to have dinner, pour myself a rather large glass of 'Cosmopolitan', lay in the bath and *try* to relax, whilst watching a DVD. Sounds good... Damn you panic. Fuck off right now. I have no room in my life for this shit.

On Saturday when my friend was round we sat in the garden with the boyfriend talking about our relationship and quite honestly, when we'd finished chatting, i felt altogether shit to say the least. It started off by talking about him not wanting to get married or have children, something that we don't really need to go over again. Then it got to the subject of moving in with him which has more than one complication attached. No. 1 - He has a disabled cat which is old and scared of everything. No. 2 - I have 3 cats and a dog and mixing with his cat would simply not work. No. 3 - He lives seconds away from a busy main road, my cats are use to a quiet col-d-sac. No. 4 - I have a son who needs to get to school, he lives the other side of town. No. 5 - I couldn't leave this house because it's housing association and if i leave on my own accord, if we didn't work out then i would be homeless. So there are the first set of problems. Then it came to what if we ...

We (the mother/boyfriend and I) went to see the baby last night as my friend got out of hospital yesterday afternoon. OMGosh...He is just adorable...i'm feeling that this is going to be one spoilt baby, definitely by me ;) She's doing just great. The hardest thing that i remember about having a newborn is the whole 'getting into a routine' thing. It's all a learning curve. As a first time mother, you have no idea, i didn't have any clue, most mothers don't, but each day you're learning more and more. My mother and I having a wee cuddle with the little man. There are loads of pictures of the boyfriend holding him, but unfortunately can't put any of those up because baby's face is in them :( I'm still over the flipping moon for them both, can't wait to see him/them again on Monday.... I'm spending A LOT of time over there....can you blame me though?

CLICK HERE FOR NEWS REPORT OF MURDER...

Well... I panicked. Got to the hospital and where i thought i had to go, was completely wrong. We parked at the top of the multi-story car park thinking the maternity was there, but in fact, no. I had to walk down 3 flights of stairs, over to the main building, then a long way deep into the hospital and then up 4 flights of stairs. Getting further and further away from where the boyfriend was waiting in the car, i started to panic. Walked back down the stairs out of the hospital and i had to call him to come and wait for me. Back in the hospital up the 4 flights of stairs, again.... then, i got lost!!! A lovely nurse came to my rescue and ushered me another (at least) 1/2 mile through corridors, numerous security doors when FINALLY i came to the post-natal ward.... My friend shuffled out to meet me...gave her a massive hug and how i didn't cry when i saw the baby is amazing. I was still hugely anxious, but i stayed for nearly 2 hours. Had a little cuddle with him...and he ...

I can only go and see my friend IF i am the grandparent of the baby, which obviously i.am.not.....HOWEVER....because my dear friend has one parent deceased and the other has cancer in London, I HAVE BEEN GRANTED PERMISSION!!! Whoop whoop. I bought baby a whole load of GAP clothes today as well as a £50 gift voucher for her to spend at her leisure. Nice gift if i do say so myself. Getting VERY excited now, i leave in an hour... :) :) :) :)

BABY GEORGE DAVID IS HERE...6LB 13OZ......BORN TODAY AT 10AM. OMG. OMG. OMG.

I had the pleasure of spending the day with my beautiful Miss C yesterday.... Sitting in the garden, gossiping, it was fab, plus the weather was a-maz-ing. Anyway...i had said to her all along i reckon the 5th of June, although it's not due until next Saturday...and what happens? Today at 3pm her waters broke, IN TOWN! She's now in hospital being given IV antibiotics (she has strep-b) and is playing the waiting game. Only 1 1/2 cm dilated...but who cares.....BABY IS ON IT'S WAY. As you can probably tell, i am MORE than excited. I've had a bloody good weekend, like i said, spent the day with her yesterday, i did A LOT of clothes shopping too. Today we did my boyfriends mum's garden (2 1/2 hours of solid weeding) and then we went to not one, but two bar-b-ques, how greedy are we?? Must dash, got to sit and be excited now.... :)

Got my colposcopy results through. STILL got abnormal cells...... this is getting fucking stupid now.

How amazing is that tummy? Still so flipping tiny.....but baby is growing fine. I guess she is definitely one of those lucky ones. I doubt that she'll have that last minute growth spurt like a lot of women have. My man!!!!! I LOVE this picture of him. Some pictures don't really 'look' like him if you get what i mean, this is EXACTLY how he looks in real life. My 'other' man! Squinting...and playing with Daisy. This is my friends other cat. Yesterday was my boyfriends birthday. We went to see my friend (obviously), then after that he wanted to go to Harlow, which funny enough is where i went last year on his birthday to see "When Harry Met Sally". Had an all round pretty good day.... SUNDAY though was a different matter. I had been in agony with pain on my left side for about 7 days. By Sunday evening i didn't know what to do. I called my mum and she took me to the medical centre. I saw the most amazing doctor ever. He was brilliant,...