"THE CHAT"
On Saturday when my friend was round we sat in the garden with the boyfriend talking about our relationship and quite honestly, when we'd finished chatting, i felt altogether shit to say the least.
It started off by talking about him not wanting to get married or have children, something that we don't really need to go over again. Then it got to the subject of moving in with him which has more than one complication attached.
No. 1 - He has a disabled cat which is old and scared of everything.
No. 2 - I have 3 cats and a dog and mixing with his cat would simply not work.
No. 3 - He lives seconds away from a busy main road, my cats are use to a quiet col-d-sac.
No. 4 - I have a son who needs to get to school, he lives the other side of town.
No. 5 - I couldn't leave this house because it's housing association and if i leave on my own accord, if we didn't work out then i would be homeless.
So there are the first set of problems. Then it came to what if we could get a house together and him sell his, so it's both of ours.... Fooking hell. His face when that was mentioned. He would NEVER EVER sell his house....BUT.....he thinks it is okay for me to leave mine???
WTF? DEAD.END.RELATIONSHIP.
Nearly 2 years people (13/06/2011). Fuck the 'commitment' car....it's bullshit. He didn't buy that as a commitment, he had a bee in his bonnet about changing it anyway, but to make himself look like he was doing it for me, he labelled it as a commitment car. What a crock of shit.
I'm 36 in FOUR weeks and i am in something that i would compare to as teenage relationship. Fucking awesome.
There is nothing to grasp onto that says this relationship is heading somewhere....anywhere.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why do i always pick the wrong men?
On one side of the coin i feel a lot like i am not good enough for him to commit to me in one way or another...but on the flip side, he's never made any commitment to ANY girl.
I am writing this because i need help/advice...anything.
Yes he IS a good man. He's everything i want, apart from this one MAJOR issue.
It started off by talking about him not wanting to get married or have children, something that we don't really need to go over again. Then it got to the subject of moving in with him which has more than one complication attached.
No. 1 - He has a disabled cat which is old and scared of everything.
No. 2 - I have 3 cats and a dog and mixing with his cat would simply not work.
No. 3 - He lives seconds away from a busy main road, my cats are use to a quiet col-d-sac.
No. 4 - I have a son who needs to get to school, he lives the other side of town.
No. 5 - I couldn't leave this house because it's housing association and if i leave on my own accord, if we didn't work out then i would be homeless.
So there are the first set of problems. Then it came to what if we could get a house together and him sell his, so it's both of ours.... Fooking hell. His face when that was mentioned. He would NEVER EVER sell his house....BUT.....he thinks it is okay for me to leave mine???
WTF? DEAD.END.RELATIONSHIP.
Nearly 2 years people (13/06/2011). Fuck the 'commitment' car....it's bullshit. He didn't buy that as a commitment, he had a bee in his bonnet about changing it anyway, but to make himself look like he was doing it for me, he labelled it as a commitment car. What a crock of shit.
I'm 36 in FOUR weeks and i am in something that i would compare to as teenage relationship. Fucking awesome.
There is nothing to grasp onto that says this relationship is heading somewhere....anywhere.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why do i always pick the wrong men?
On one side of the coin i feel a lot like i am not good enough for him to commit to me in one way or another...but on the flip side, he's never made any commitment to ANY girl.
I am writing this because i need help/advice...anything.
Yes he IS a good man. He's everything i want, apart from this one MAJOR issue.
Comments
Its ok having a 'teenage realtionship' a)when its early doors and b)if thats what you both want.......
It sounds like you want commitment...which after 2 years I think anyone would (man or woman) it also sounds like he's shit scared of commitment...I dont know why...has he been hurt etc etc???
You need to protect your heart the best way you can...I know you love him its clear.....and i genuinely think he loves you (he's just commitment phobic)....You are good enough to be commited to!! You have come so far and you are truly amazing...what about the commitment ring...surely this is some sign of his feelings towards you?
Giving up the house....i know exactly what you mean...I do think its a big risk to take...I dont think I would take that risk...like you say it would be different if you were buying together...but thats not happening at the minute
sorry no help as such just wanted to comment
BUT whatever you do...you MUST believe that you deserve the best.
Love you lots
x x x x
What my friend says is that if you love someone and you want to be with them, then you DO take a risk... IE. Getting a house together, mutual ground where we are BOTH giving up our homes to be together.
As far as this relationship goes, its ALL on his terms.
Babies...yeah, i'm a women and i get broody from time to time, but i have no burning desire to procreate. Thinking sensibly and honestly, i couldn't raise another baby the way i did Stinky, i was way too mental, plus by the time all the panic/agoraphobia started i was pregnant so i had no choice but to do the best i could given the situation, thank God he hasn't been effected by it. I would HAVE to be a lot more stable than i am right now.
I'm just really really confused. I want 'something' but i just wouldn't want to live in his house, because it'd be HIS house, if that makes sense and like i said, he's not willing to budge on anything really.
I'm a dick 'cause i knew all this when we first got together, but how do you know how you're going to feel 2 years down the road??
x
{not saying he will} but thats how i would feel,i'm quite a clingy person so need to be kissed hugged,loved and told i love you all the time cos i'm so insecure,did not think my fella would ever want kids but he gave in cos i and he wasnt getting any younger and now i am he is over the moon and couldnt be happier,weird how things change,but if my fella did not want any commitment in the slightest after 2 years then i would probably go out sperate ways and either be on my own or move on and find somebody new as its just like being friends if their isnt anything secure between you both,sorry sorry sorry sarah sweetie if i hurt ur feelings as not meant to,just saying how i would feel xxx♥xxx
Like I said in my email, being engaged and living together isn't all its cracked up to be either.. 5 years and still no date set!? Now he tells me 'Im happy as we are' and I just think, well why did you bother asking then?! Because maybe I pestered him into it? I didnt say 'you need to ask me to marry you' but I did need to know where things were going after 2 years (mainly because of Jay - letting them get close), I asked if he could see us being together for some time, *maybe* even marriage etc.. I felt that way when we got together though, I was asking him if he wanted to see me, it never seemed to come from him.. then 2 years down the line Im the one needing to know where its going.. and now 5 years down the line Im thinking well, is it actually going to happen!? I *hate* feeling this way and I think that someone who appears or feels to you as though they arent into you like you are them, only makes matters worse.
When we moved in together 4 yrs ago it was obv serious, but it was more about the fun.. buying stuff together, picking things out, just that excitement.. then reality kicks in and I realise Im in his house, hes looking after me, Im still a nut job (thought Id be better and in work by now), I could be out on my ear tomorrow if he felt like it and I would have nothing. How scary is that! You have to get it right and that is tough when things aren't clear cut.
If things change with his cat (When the inevitable happens, sorry to sound harsh.. but you said it was old? I think you did?), maybe things could work out then? Maybe you could give it till then and if he still doesnt want any real commitment, rethink and make a decision then.
Only you know what to do.. how often you feel this way, what things are like most of the time? If I felt this way more times than not, if it got in the way of things too much, or if I felt like I wasn't good enough for someone.. then Id probably be off. Its hard, because Im someone with the ring on her finger, yet still no sign what so ever of marriage.. Im kinda going the other way though, and thinking sod it.. why would I keep on about you marrying me if you're not arsed! But he does show he cares and is an amazing Dad.. its just that 'Im happy as I am' and Im not, not really.. Id like the marriage (or maybe just to feel that he wholeheartedly did) and I would like another baby later on (when Im better)... That *really* bothers me, that he doesnt want any more. Im more focused on trying to get better I think, well.. trying to. I seriously need to toughen up where S is concerned, Im tired of letting him upset me, it wears you right down.
Xxxx
Relationships are all about give, take AND most importantly COMPROMISE. Somewhere along the line we HAVE to compromise otherwise what the hell is the point. 2 years is quite a while (for me anyway) without any definite future plans. It scares me more than anything.
I am the same, i am very tactile and actions definitely speak louder than words in my case.
When we split up right at the beginning and got back together, *most* of my insecurities did go....but then over time because of the lack of commitment they are slowly coming back - can you blame me????
Thanks for your reply lovely
xxxx
I can see where you're coming from....but....although you have no wedding in sight, you still go to bed and wake up with him. I get that 3 days a week. Which does suit me from time to time....but there are other times when i would just love a man to come home at nights.
His cat is 10, so could go on for a few years yet, even after that, i wouldn't want to move into HIS house.... It would have to be somewhere new, otherwise yeah, i could be out on my ear with child and no where to go.
You made an extremely valid point that i hadn't even thought about. Everyday we are together my boy is obviously getting closer to the BF. They get on amazingly, two kids together. What IS hard is that Stinky is older now, if we split up he's going to understand more and could possibly effect him...and i don't want to do that AGAIN to him.
Life/relationships/love is SO hard...
xxxx