Scared.

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Midnight last night i was still awake, i went downstairs to make myself a decaf tea and standing by the utensil drawer i had a massive overwhelming urge to cut. I realise now this is more than feeling 'down'. Depression has clearly set in. It was really scary. I have self harmed in the past, not for a while and it's always been after a row or i've failed at something, this was totally out-of-the-blue.

Over the last few weeks i've been getting more tetchy about going out, more negative thoughts about what 'might' or 'might not' happen. It's not good, i am NOT feeling good.

After i came back upstairs, scared and frightened, i lay in bed wondering WHY did i develop agoraphobia? Is it Karma for something i had done before i was 22? Did i bring this on myself? Am i being punished by the big man upstairs?

I just don't know. I cry all the time at the moment. So fucking down. I really HATE my life.

What's worse is that i have no one to talk to, because as i have mentioned before, i don't like to burden people. I feel so desperately alone. Can't bare feeling like this. This is NO way to live.

Comments

vinny said…
sorry hunny,i know how you feel about burdening people though,i only talk to my fella nobody else as i think they just get sick of me going on and whining so what's the point in wrecking and depressing their lives too.
i always wondered what i had done to develop all the crap that i have,the depression the agoraphobia the panic attacks,social phobia,generalised anxiety and i think they all come hand in hand but i can never answer that question,ive even got ibs too ;0(
ive gone through the most shitty life anyway so why would the big man try and punish me more by giving me all this crap to deal with me,i can't relate with the self harm or the eating disorder as not had them and hopefully never do,you must be scared to be so alone and want to cut yourself,i have read things about it and seen things on tv and they say it makes you feel better cos your the one in control of what you do etc,but if you ever feel like this again ring ur fella or ur mum,i know you don't want to but they would both rather you do that than see you come to any harm,i hope your not feeling too down today,worry about you......
love always ♥♥♥
23/06/2011, 17:04
coffeecup said…
Sweetheart I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. I do understand. There have been times when I've been too scared to go near the kitchen because I know there are knives in there. It's just the horrible fear that you might do something bad and won't be able to stop the urge, but really, it's the fear that you've had such a thought, not that you would act on it. It sucks :(

No you're not being punished. Life doesn't work like that. That's why the bad people have all the luck and fun, because they don't care or regret. Whatever you think deserves punishment before you were 22 might just be triggering some of the anxiety. I'm telling you now, we all have skeletons in our own closets. I am no saint. I've done unforgivably bad things that I can't talk to anyone about. Too shameful, too painful. Who'd be interested now after all this time? It's a lonely place to be but if you ever wish to speak please email this crazy woman here and I promise I'll listen to whatever is on your mind. For no other reason than I care. How can I read this post and say nothing?

You've been doing so well. You've been to London and camping and driving and going out all over the place. I'm on my hands and knees trying to get down the street. You deserve some recognition for all you've achieved. This is a huge leap from where you were. I've been so envious! You are a beautiful smart kind and lovely woman and you have so much to give and do. You couldn't be a burden if you tried. Open up to someone if you can bear it and let them love you.

((hugs)) x
24/06/2011, 01:46
Sarah♥ said…
Steph, I swear it was so hard not to do it. It was so scary. I know i've been feeling shitty, but in my rational head, i've not even considered hurting myself, and then that pops up. Horrible.

I really appreciate your offer. Sometimes, being alone is bad enough, but being alone and feeling like there is no one there for you is even worse. My best friend right now is so overwhelmed with all the baby stuff, its wrong to speak to her as she has her own shit to deal with, not that i would necessarily tell her anyway...and then other people, like i keep saying over and over, don't need to hear my crap. It's so isolating.

Sensibly i KNOW i did nothing wrong, i've never touched drugs, i've not stolen, been in trouble with the police, i only came home ONCE so pissed i couldn't stand up, so generally growing up, i was a fricking angel. My mum always knew where i was....etc. Even on my holidays i behaved myself.

I don't know beautiful....life is hard sometimes, but what can we do? I try to be happy, i try to be 'normal' but the fight is getting harder to do.. 13 years of bullshit is enough, don't you think!?

xxxx
24/06/2011, 09:27
coffeecup said…
It is enough! Though, it wouldn't be normal if you didn't have down days really. It's just that flipping anxiety putting scary thoughts where they're not wanted or needed thank you very much. I think as time goes on days like that will just get fewer and fewer. Enjoy the sunshine this weekend beautiful lady. Gonna be a scorcher! I expect to see some pictures of your tan when you're back :) Happy camping! xxx

PS. I meant what I said x
24/06/2011, 23:36
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