BEING SARAH.......

I have no pain today, so i am opting for the chicken's way out and going to be sedated for it :) Happy days - unless it starts hurting again. Initial appointment through for the 8th November!

OMFG - This is agony! FREEDERM SPOT CREAM! I've used it forever, but it no longer wants to be my friend :( Been given steriods now, so hopefully that'll do something, but currently, it's burning/itching and i want to cry!

I'm taking a blogging break. Cannot deal with the bullshit anymore. I've got too many IMPORTANT things happening in REAL LIFE to worry about INTERNET FUCKWITS/FUCKTARDS. I will be back, but i need a little time out. Keep well...keep safe. Sarah♥

I have got a decision to make before 9am tomorrow. The situation is this. I HAVE MAJOR TOOTHACHE ! Now, i go to the dentist tomorrow, i get a referral to the clinic where they sedate me and i know nothing about it, which could take up to 8 - 10 weeks! OR....i go tomorrow and get it whipped out, there and then - BUT I HATE DENTISTS! What shall i do?

I am talking about my son, not me! Even at his age i was already a proper worry-wart. Worrying about everything. Stinky on the other hand is as laid back and as confident as a child could be. There is not a thing in this world that would phase him. I won't lie, being around Stinky and having panic and agoraphobia i have always be concerned that it would rub off on him (yes, yes, there's still time), but right now, not in the slightest. When he was taking his S.A.T.S, there is a lot of shit about the children being effected by the stress of it all - my boy, NO STRESS - nothing! Starting big school, did he care? Noooooo. The stacks and stacks of homework? - Nope. I am really very grateful that he is worry-free, but maybe in time, as he gets older he will learn to 'worry' a bit more... For now, I am happy that he's able to be a happy, happy boy :) Stinky is in a world of his own, and he's perfectly fine there!!!

My sister and her husband. Been together for MANY years, married since September 1998. This IS my sisters first love. They were together at school for a number of years and off and on until they got back together FINALLY in 1996. He's a lovely husband/father/brother-in-law and rather handsome if i do say so myself!

Up to now i am having THE perfect 'home alone' day. My boyfriend left at 9 this morning, which left me the rest of the day to just do 'stuff'. I ♥ these days! Start off with me changing all the bed clothes, followed by 3 loads of washing. My friend has the day off so i had, chatted A LOT to her today. Then my other friend came round for a good hour and a half and right now, i am talking to my boyfriend and have been for another hour whilst making a quiche/putting away washing AND tidying.

After a long day on my own yesterday, i woke up stupid early - i REALLY need to learn how to have a lay-in. At 7.22am my boyfriend text me "Am i awake yet?" Of course i am....duh! By 8.30am he was round mine. 9.30am we left to do Sainsburys shopping and home by 10.30. VERY productive morning. Had lunch round my mothers because she's been on holiday...and now i am home, waiting for X-Factor to start.... Counting down the hours/minutes :) Can't wait for my bed tonight though, i can feel twinges in my stomach and it's not making me very happy....

I've not seen my bf since Tuesday. He thinks it's because of my stomach pain (which is 80% true) the other 20% is because i feel too ugly and disgusting to see him.

..Coming on to write a post about something else and a note from Google pops up about 'Privacy'. Unlike me i hit the link to see what it's all about... Bullshit, bullshit, inbox, outbox....spam...chat history. Chat history? What? I don't talk to anyone on gmail chat. Well, it's stored (unbeknownst to me) 650 lines of conversation that i have had. What a turn up :)

...i could cry!!!!

As i type this i have a man, drilling countless holes in various walls in my house and fitting.....SKY MULTIROOM!!!! Whoop. No more *trying* to get a semi-visible picture off the stupid internal aerial, i WILL be able to get ALL Sky channels from the comfort of my BED!!! How fabulous... ...and Stinky is getting FreeSat. Am i a good mum or what???????? Plus, he's getting my almost brand new bedroom TV - and i am getting a new one for downstairs :)

For most of the day, inbetween being in agony, i've set myself up a little Wordpress account/blog. Over there i am going to post all the private things that i would like to say on here but don't and also, which is fabulous, you can password protect the posts too - which is totally fabulous :) I LOVE IT! I've already written my first post...and protected it - this is too much fun!

Not eaten for two days and i've been in pretty much constant pain for that entire time too. I am exhausted. Called the emergency doctors last night who said "You've pulled a muscle".......WTF? I know what is wrong with my, it's my fricking gallbladder that has come on due to the stress of the fence kicking. I am really really not happy. Plus, it's typical that it happens now, while my mother is on holiday. OUCHY!

Another vlogger i love :) I think letting go of anger, resentment, hurt, pain....IS the only way forward. Keeping feelings of bad past experiences are only going to eat you up inside and grow, and grow. I've held onto decades of pain from the bullies, WHY should i let them take any more of my time?? Through the years, with my ex - again, why the hell should i be miserable because of one arrogant and ignorant man?? Everything negative that i have experienced, whatever it may be - i MUST let it go. It's the ONLY WAY FORWARD.

Even though for 3 years i've never complained about my awful neighbours, i talk to them, i am nice to the kids, i am as pleasant as i can be....but.....this is how i get repaid. Yesterday, 4 young lads were outside next doors house, i was inside pottering about, as you do and for some reason i looked out my window and there on my front garden was my neighbours son picking up a panel of my fence that had been broken and split in two. I asked what had happened and all he said was "They did it." I couldn't see who "they" were. So i said "Who are they?" and again he said "Them".... THEY were hiding round the corner. After about 5 minutes of getting NO WHERE i started getting really narked and developed a sudden case of tourettes. Then one lad started getting really mouthy so i said "Do NOT talk to me like that....". Still getting no where....i came inside shaking and raving mad. (Fast forward to today) I heard someone at my front do...

It would have appeared that i had a 3.30am appointment with GALLBLADDER PAIN. And OMFG - What pain it was. I'm still hurting now :(

DAWN PORTER'S YOU TUBE VIDEOS! This women is a journalist over here and has done TV shows too. Her videos made me smile, PLUS - she's gorgeous!!!

Industrial units in (MY TOWN) evacuated as bodies found A man and a woman have been found dead in a car at an industrial estate in Essex. Emergency services went to XXXXXXXXXXX Centre at 0825 BST. Police said a "noxious substance", believed to be hydrogen sulphide, was found inside the car and nearby industrial units were evacuated. Ray Skinner, of Essex Fire and Rescue Service, said there was no risk to the public since the car was in a remote location of the industrial estate. Essex Police said the deaths were being treated as unexplained. A spokesman for the centre added that a sign had been put inside the car, a Vauxhall Astra, warning people that the vehicle contained toxic chemicals and "not to open the door". This is so so sad, it happened just down the road from where my boyfriend lives :(

My friend had a successful operation. Now, we have to wait....

My friend had a successful operation. Now, we have to wait....

Most days i think about my divorce, and it's taken A LOT to admit that. He was horrid to me, yet, i still worshipped the ground he walked on. There are so many questions that i need to ask him, and i don't think i will ever get the answers to them and that kills me. How am i ever meant to get over this without knowing what was going on in his mind?

That is how far my little man has to walk to and from school everyday. I think i need to get a car for those dark winter, rainy, cold, snowy mornings.

I got to see my gorgeous friend today. She's having an operation tomorrow and i HAD to see her. Since she's moved out of town (last October), i only get to see her occasionally, although we talk on the phone most days. When i've visited her in the past, my mother has taken me....but today...MY BOYFRIEND TOOK ME and we stayed for over 2 hours! This is such a big thing for me, because in April, i couldn't do it - today, i DID IT!!! She won't keep me away now ;) GOOD DAY!

"Oi fatty, put down that cake!!!!" That is something i would NEVER dream of saying to an overweight person, so WHY is it okay for someone to say... "You could do with a good portion of your mum's meat pie, there's nothing of you." The situation was this. My mother cooked Harvest Lunch for 40 church going people yesterday and i popped in to see how she was going down at the village hall. I don't get how it's socially acceptable to say something like that?? Next time i see an overweight person going into Bakers Oven, i will say "I think you might need to reconsider your purchase FATTY!", see how well that goes down!

My name is Sarah and i have had eating disorders for 23 years. It began when i was 12 at school and started being bullied for looking like this... ...can't blame them really!!!! (I was 4ft 10, 9 1/2 - 9 3/4 stone and wore a size 12-14 clothes.) Everywhere i went i was being called fat/ugly/tree trunks/bugs bunny. I was physically and verbally abused for 2 1/2 years. So i thought, fuck you, i won't be fat anymore so i started to do something about it. I cut out biscuits, my multiple bowls of cereal i use to eat when i got in from school and of course desserts went completely of my food list. Soon the weight was coming off, however, i was still ugly. Then on went the brace, for 11 months, when that came off, the bugs bunny teeth had gone, but i still needed to lose more weight. About 3 months into the bullying, in a cupboard at home i discovered some laxatives. That looked like a good idea, i'll take them and shit out what i eat - excellent. Low and behold the weig...

ME

...nice for you to grace me with your presence today, how very fucking thoughtful of you!!! WANKER.

Over the years, where i keep breaking laptops, when i do, i just copy all the pictures from one to the other, sometimes duplicating them, actually, always duplicating them!! So, i've challenged myself to put ALL pictures into separate files

I love watching youtube videos, of ALL kinds. Spricket24 is just too funny - here is her lastest contribution to the world of Vlogging :)

From March 2008

Got a call from my mum, in a right state. She'd got a call from a friend of my sisters saying that you have got to come and see her straight away. Apparently she was driving and started feeling really unwell, so bad in fact, that the paramedic was called. Fast forward - diagnoses - PANIC ATTACK! She's at home resting.

..i have the arduous task of making a note of all the sites on my Bloglines page because it's closing down. So...that means i need to find another website that does the same as Bloglines and as easy to use. We all know i am a bit of a thicket and even more so when it comes to the tinterweb. So please, if anyone can point me in the right direction to a new site feeder(?) then let me know.

Since this is the only medium of communication, let me just remind you that IF there is one WORD that hints toward me left on your blog, password protected or other, everything WILL be back in an instant. I will delete this as soon as i have seen you've read it.

...they're still here, just buried deep in the archives

I LOVE my neighbours... Tonight, my neighbour and friend Mrs S, came round with 2 cupcakes. This isn't the first time, in fact i had No. 5 and 6 delivered tonight. Every other night she'll bring some round, i'm so lucky. I don't need to make them any more ... :) These are the ACTUAL cakes....yum. Chocolate chip and mint. Let's not leave out my other brilliant neighbour who came in and de-limescaled my bathroom and kitchen. Love them both!!!

...that didn't bring up a lot, did it????

Sitting at my boyfriends house while he's on the floor, scrubbing. I feel pretty damn useless as he won't let me help him.

...our great British countryside. What a lovely way to spend a Sunday, especially since i had an amazing Saturday. We went all over the place - but when it came to getting a simple sandwich for lunch in a pub, there was no chance. It's Sunday Roasts or nothing. Apart from that minor problem, sun was shining, i was NORMAL and my boyfriend was gorgeous, as always. We went into a fabulous little shop which sells all organic produce as well as those little jars of jams/chutneys that can only be found in these kind of stores. I was in my element. Finished off our tour by stopping off at mums, then a cuppa round my sisters - perfect day :) (BTW - In answer to your question Vinny, i shop mostly in Gap, River Island, Top Shop, Miss Selfridge and Warehouse, All saints, and i love my Superdry stuff. Also - anywhere else that sells nice t-shirts/hoodies and Converse)

Fabulous day. Met my friend shopping. I had a very productive trip. 4 t-shirts for Stink, PJ bottoms, 3 hoodies, 1 Cardigan, pair of boyfriend jeans and a gorgeous black belt..... :)

K - Stinkys biological fathers wife M - Stinkys biological father M - His half sister D - His half brother ..That was the most surreal thing that's happened to me in a long time. Stinky has just gone off with his real father to Santa Pod. (That's not the surreal part.) There was a knock at the door, i opened it and there stood my sons HALF SISTER (who he's never met before) and her mum. Now, i've met K before and she's lovely. Then M got D out of the car too. Oh my goodness, D is the IMAGE of Stinky. Just a younger version. The 6 of us stood there chatting for a good 5 minutes, i was shaking like a leaf, i've not seen M for a long long time. It didn't feel awkward at all - just strange. K is a very chatty happy person, and easy to talk to, so that part was okay.. M spoke to me fine too. When they went i just thought - I made a child with that man.... Anyway - hoping he has a lovely time. I'm sure he will - there's cars involved :)

....you could see me now, i'm doing the happy dance! It's the weekend. Stinky is going to have so much fun tomorrow at the car racing. I'm going CLOTHES SHOPPING with my mum in the morning - then my boyfriends 9 day holiday starts :) All good over here ;)

I've got up, checked my emails to see yet MORE comments being left by Sarah, she tells me that i have to delete my posts, which SHE started to comment on (that's not going to happen), which had NO relevance to her at all, and that she's now posting stuff on her blog to expose me as the fraud i am. Well, I am not reading and have NO intention of being involved with whatever bullshit that she's writing, however she tells me that a lot of my readers are now hopping over there to take a look, you can make up your own mind. I will NOT get myself into a war of words on her blog - just not going to do it. All i can say is this - believe what you want to believe. You all read my blog, most watch my videos.... THIS IS ME. I am who i am. I'm not a fraud or a fake, i'm just a girl who wants to be able to blog without it being read for "Entertainment" value. What has gone on in the past - IS THE PAST. This is now, and i'm sure you can all see for yo...

From Sarah. So silly..the lies you keep spewing. Always saying "I didn't read" when you always do. What I would like is for you to PUBLICLY APOLOGIZE AND ADMIT YOU ARE GUILTY. Then..I will leave it . (She was referring to emails she sent last night. I read the first couple, then got bored and went to sleep, so i just read them now....) I apologise, i AM definitely guilty of asking Sarah to stop reading my blog. I've admitted that countless times. oh...and i'm a compulsive liar. Nothing about me is real. I'm a nasty manipulative person who is 100% pure evil. I treat people around me like shit and i've fallen out with many close friends over the years. I do what i can to ruin people, to hurt and upset them. I'm not happy unless being a fucking horrible bitch. I like to rub in peoples faces things that i have that they don't. That makes me really happy. I'm a bitch, liar and a fake - that sums me up. Happy?

I've just spent the last 4 hours with one of the nicest people i've ever known. She's my boyfriends' brothers' fiancée. I met her last year for the first time last year and she is so much like me (apart from she is beautiful). She has body image issues and has recently lost 3st after having her son in April, which i think is amazing. She too is insecure, and we are so much on the same level. She completely gets me. Even more so than my best friend in some ways. I've never met another person who is so like me. It's a refreshing change to be involved with someone who is non-judgemental. EDIT... Just in case anyone thinks i am lying... J had a lot of laughs with the gorgeous Sarah today :o) 8 minutes ago · Comment · Unlike · Remove tag

...people. Enough, enough, enough....Let's all breath now. It's done. O.V.E.R. Let's all move on.... ♥

The comment about my son being confused about his 'daddies' makes me sound as if i have daddies for my son all over the place. Which i don't. There are TWO. The man that has brought him up and his real father. I was involved ( albeit ) briefly with my son's biological father which resulted in me getting pregnant. I was advised by several people to have an abortion which of course was NEVER an option. Shortly after i found out i was pregnant i got with my (first) ex husband. Looking back, i think i did it because i was scared. Scared of being alone, young and knocked up with the biological father not wanting anything to do with me. Anyway...my then husband took my son on as his own, ALWAYS knowing that i would never shut his real father out IF he wanted anything to do with him. Time past and his real dad didn't want anything to do with him. My ex continued to raise him as his own... When Stinky was 9, my ex and i came together, sat him down and told him every...

My boy, his daddy and the "other" family are all off to SANTA POD this weekend. How exciting!! Stinky is car mad. He knows all cars, their makes, models, date of manufacture...everything, so going to there is going to be amazing for him :)

It's a year to the day when i did some REALLY stupid things when my (now) boyfriend split up with me. We'd been seeing each other for about 3 months when he could no longer take my insecurity, but saying that - he had some fucked up issues too like not answering the phone, ever! Did my head in. Anyway...things got completely nutso....and he dumped me. Looking back, it was the best thing for us, because 10 days later - we got back together - after a lot of interference from BOTH of my exes, which didn't help my cause. In the last year, i've still had ups and downs, and we'll always have the commitment (or lack of) problem, but there's nothing i can do about that. It hurts everyday. But i love him and he's good for me.

...and have awarded myself "Mum and daughter of the year award".... I bought both my mother and son a laptop each.

I think i have, that's wrong, i KNOW i have THE PRETTIEST niece in the whole entire world.... Check out the pictures... HERE

Stinky comes in. ME - "Did you have a good day? What's on your time table sweet?" HIM - "Um...." ME - "They did give you one?" HIM - "Yes, at the induction day, but i lost it....fell out of my bag." (INDUCTION DAY WAS IN JUNE) ME - "What?" HIM - "I've lost it..." Stink is then driven down to the school, where i'm told that in fact, he hasn't been given his time table yet, not until Monday. ME - "Did you have a nice dinner?" HIM - "No" ME - "Why no?" HIM - "I've not eaten all day....." ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! I told him to go straight to the front desk because they were giving out vouchers for today, and my boy, being um....silly, forgot to go. So he didn't have a drink, nor food, nothing since breakie at 7.15 this morning! I'm surprised he's still upright. DAY ONE - NOT SO GREAT!!!!!!

I'm not yet decided whether to write a blog or do a vlog, but if there is anything you want to know,

He walked off down the path (it's non-uniform today, team building day), with his massive rucksack on looking all grown up. I'm super excited for him, but really nervous at the same time. My *little* boy, is no longer little.

13 hours and 30 minutes before my boy becomes a senior school student!!!

I've thought about this, spoken about this and come to the conclusion that so what if you read? If you read because it keeps you either entertained or amused then that's one person who i know gets pleasure out of my blog, in a negative or positive way, i don't mind. I write because i like to. I like purging my bullshit whether it be good, bad or indifferent, it's something that i've done for years and will continue to do so until either i get bored, or people stop reading. Bottom line is that you're just another reader - bares no impact on me or my life in any way. It's a little strange that you keep reading, but whatever.... So, carry on - do what you have to do....

I'm a reader of many blogs, not all mental health related. Some are of people who are unwell with serious health problems, others are married with children, there are a few men included in that too. I just like variety. Reading one blog, it's a women who has Cancer actually. Seeing her day to day life now that her Cancer has just returned, puts EVERYTHING into perspective. I'm not a moaner (really, i'm not) . I whinge about my sons' messy room, how he leaves his bath towel on his bedroom floor - and when he irritates the dog, apart from that there's nothing i moan about. I had this conversation with my boyfriend earlier and i asked him if he thought i moaned at him, and he said "Never" - he's right..... I get the arse ache around PMS time, but that's normal behaviour. I moan on here about being mental, but i NEED an outlet...'cause the last thing i want to do is burden my family/boyfriend/friends with this shit. So yeah, this bulls...

...i'm having vloggers block. For a week or more now i've been trying to make a video, and every time i switch the camera on, nothing happens. I have SO much to say but none of it is appropriate viewing! So, i've decided to waiting until i've done a bit of shopping and combine that into an 'update' video.