Anorexia/Bulimia Nervosa.
My name is Sarah and i have had eating disorders for 23 years.
It began when i was 12 at school and started being bullied for looking like this...
...can't blame them really!!!! (I was 4ft 10, 9 1/2 - 9 3/4 stone and wore a size 12-14 clothes.)
Everywhere i went i was being called fat/ugly/tree trunks/bugs bunny. I was physically and verbally abused for 2 1/2 years. So i thought, fuck you, i won't be fat anymore so i started to do something about it.
It began when i was 12 at school and started being bullied for looking like this...
...can't blame them really!!!! (I was 4ft 10, 9 1/2 - 9 3/4 stone and wore a size 12-14 clothes.)
Everywhere i went i was being called fat/ugly/tree trunks/bugs bunny. I was physically and verbally abused for 2 1/2 years. So i thought, fuck you, i won't be fat anymore so i started to do something about it.
I cut out biscuits, my multiple bowls of cereal i use to eat when i got in from school and of course desserts went completely of my food list. Soon the weight was coming off, however, i was still ugly. Then on went the brace, for 11 months, when that came off, the bugs bunny teeth had gone, but i still needed to lose more weight. About 3 months into the bullying, in a cupboard at home i discovered some laxatives. That looked like a good idea, i'll take them and shit out what i eat - excellent. Low and behold the weight started coming off even quicker.
By the age of 16 i was down to 7 1/2 stone (perfect weight for my height) but i still wasn't happy. My food restriction wasn't too bad, i would still eat dinners, although portion sizes began getting smaller. This was the same time i was diagnosed with BDD. I don't think it helped that all my friends were thin and could eat what they wanted. I always felt out of place, the fat and ugly one.
At 17 i started seeing that fella above. Now, he was (believe it or not) a proper ladies man, he had the gift of the gab, all the seductive chat up lines that made MY legs go weak. When i started seeing him, he was kind of seeing someone else (i found out at a later date), so then came the insecurity that if he could do it to her, he could do it to me. I know what i'll do - i'll lose MORE weight, that'll keep him. I started eating just salads....and not much else. It was during my relationship with him that i was passing out a lot through not eating enough. But then, also started the binges. I'd eat a shit load, then take even more laxatives to get rid of it.
By my 18th birthday i was looking like this...
Still no dramatic weight loss, but i was keeping a steady 7 1/2 stone. See my friend in the picture with me was ALWAYS a skinny minny and i felt huge next to her! Food restriction was getting more and more. No sweet food would touch my lips at all...nothing! I hardly ate, although i still took laxatives daily!
21 years old...(in Australia)
...i think the weight loss in these picture's is more apparent.
Just one year later i fell pregnant and enjoyed every second of being able to eat what i wanted without feeling guilty.
It was a bloody miracle how i got pregnant since i hadn't had a period for 9 months!
As soon as he born i worked hard at maintaining a good healthy diet so i could feed him. To my amazement, the weight (again) dropped off. Within just 2 weeks i was back in size 8 jeans. Not through dieting, i do believe breastfeeding helped a lot.
When he was 7 months old, i stopped breastfeeding and there commenced the fierce dieting, restricting, completely out of control. I ate nothing, and shoved as many shit pills down my throat as i possibly could. I would pick at my sons dinner (also at this point i was totally housebound and couldn't have ANY cooking done in my house because i feared the smell would make me sick). I LOST A LOT. I went right down. I was OBSESSIVELY weighing myself 10, 20 times a day. Making sure that i wasn't getting fatter. I would run up and down the stairs if the scales said something i didn't like!
This behaviour carried on for years. Then around 2006/2007 i started eating evening meals. Only veg but it was something i had never done. Gradually i reintroduced other things into my diet, like pasta...pies...all sorts. I enjoyed it, but the feeling of fullness doesn't sit well with me.
November 2007, i was taken to hospital because of Atrial Fibrillation - although at the time i was told it was NOT caused by laxatives, it scared me enough to stop taking them. This was good...VERY GOOD because by then i was on between 24 - 32 A DAY! I continued to eat my evening meal, however cutting out biscuits and sweet things. As i wasn't taking laxatives any more, i wouldn't be able to shit out the bad stuff!!!!!
Some time later, i started taking them again because i was struggling to go to the toilet, i even consulted the doctor beforehand and he said it was okay, even KNOWING my history.
Now - i reckon i weigh about 7st. I don't weigh myself. It could be more... I stay away from them unless i feel that i've been good and not eaten shite, which unfortunately doesn't happen very often, not when you have a boyfriend that is a proper foodie who LOVES cooking :)
I still eat every night, a good meal and i don't not eat carbs, fat, or sweet things...
..but i do still take pills.
(NB. AT NO POINT WAS I LOOKING AT MAGAZINES AT CELEBRITIES DESIRING TO LOOK LIKE THEM, THIS WAS NOT A "I WANT TO LOOK LIKE (X PERSON)", IT WAS PURELY TO DO WITH THE FACT I WAS SO MUCH FATTER/UGLIER THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND BULLYING IS EVIL. I FUCKING HATE BULLIES, AND IF I EVER FOUND OUT MY SON WAS BEING BULLIED, THERE WOULD BE HELL. INSTANTLY. I WOULD NEVER LET HIM GO THROUGH THE HELL I DID KNOWING HOW MUCH IT EFFECTS CONFIDENCE, SELF ESTEEM AND TRUST. EVEN NOW, STILL DIETING, I DO IT BECAUSE I AM NOT HAPPY WITH THE WAY I LOOK, NOT THAT I ASPIRE TO LOOK A SUPER SKINNY CELEB. AS I SAID ON MY VLOG, ITS MORE TO DO WITH MISS AVERAGE WALKING DOWN THE STREET.)
By my 18th birthday i was looking like this...
Still no dramatic weight loss, but i was keeping a steady 7 1/2 stone. See my friend in the picture with me was ALWAYS a skinny minny and i felt huge next to her! Food restriction was getting more and more. No sweet food would touch my lips at all...nothing! I hardly ate, although i still took laxatives daily!
21 years old...(in Australia)
...i think the weight loss in these picture's is more apparent.
Just one year later i fell pregnant and enjoyed every second of being able to eat what i wanted without feeling guilty.
It was a bloody miracle how i got pregnant since i hadn't had a period for 9 months!
As soon as he born i worked hard at maintaining a good healthy diet so i could feed him. To my amazement, the weight (again) dropped off. Within just 2 weeks i was back in size 8 jeans. Not through dieting, i do believe breastfeeding helped a lot.
When he was 7 months old, i stopped breastfeeding and there commenced the fierce dieting, restricting, completely out of control. I ate nothing, and shoved as many shit pills down my throat as i possibly could. I would pick at my sons dinner (also at this point i was totally housebound and couldn't have ANY cooking done in my house because i feared the smell would make me sick). I LOST A LOT. I went right down. I was OBSESSIVELY weighing myself 10, 20 times a day. Making sure that i wasn't getting fatter. I would run up and down the stairs if the scales said something i didn't like!
This behaviour carried on for years. Then around 2006/2007 i started eating evening meals. Only veg but it was something i had never done. Gradually i reintroduced other things into my diet, like pasta...pies...all sorts. I enjoyed it, but the feeling of fullness doesn't sit well with me.
November 2007, i was taken to hospital because of Atrial Fibrillation - although at the time i was told it was NOT caused by laxatives, it scared me enough to stop taking them. This was good...VERY GOOD because by then i was on between 24 - 32 A DAY! I continued to eat my evening meal, however cutting out biscuits and sweet things. As i wasn't taking laxatives any more, i wouldn't be able to shit out the bad stuff!!!!!
Some time later, i started taking them again because i was struggling to go to the toilet, i even consulted the doctor beforehand and he said it was okay, even KNOWING my history.
Now - i reckon i weigh about 7st. I don't weigh myself. It could be more... I stay away from them unless i feel that i've been good and not eaten shite, which unfortunately doesn't happen very often, not when you have a boyfriend that is a proper foodie who LOVES cooking :)
I still eat every night, a good meal and i don't not eat carbs, fat, or sweet things...
..but i do still take pills.
(NB. AT NO POINT WAS I LOOKING AT MAGAZINES AT CELEBRITIES DESIRING TO LOOK LIKE THEM, THIS WAS NOT A "I WANT TO LOOK LIKE (X PERSON)", IT WAS PURELY TO DO WITH THE FACT I WAS SO MUCH FATTER/UGLIER THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND BULLYING IS EVIL. I FUCKING HATE BULLIES, AND IF I EVER FOUND OUT MY SON WAS BEING BULLIED, THERE WOULD BE HELL. INSTANTLY. I WOULD NEVER LET HIM GO THROUGH THE HELL I DID KNOWING HOW MUCH IT EFFECTS CONFIDENCE, SELF ESTEEM AND TRUST. EVEN NOW, STILL DIETING, I DO IT BECAUSE I AM NOT HAPPY WITH THE WAY I LOOK, NOT THAT I ASPIRE TO LOOK A SUPER SKINNY CELEB. AS I SAID ON MY VLOG, ITS MORE TO DO WITH MISS AVERAGE WALKING DOWN THE STREET.)
(i've been trying to finish this for 2 days!)
Comments
I wish i could come off them, they are part of my life - its what *I* do!
x