BEING SARAH.......

Happy Christmas everyone.  Hope you all had a fab day and are looking forward to an AMAZING 2013.  I know i am....  The babies are now 4 weeks and 4 days old.  They are all walking and are starting to be weaned... They are right little characters and all very different indeed.  Brian is the big boisterous one... Likes to attack.  Bindi is a sweet little thing, she is very affectionate.  Bear and Barry, are quite quiet, however Bear is become more inquisitive, whereas Barry is the little one who is picked on rather a lot... Bless him.  He seems a bit clueless. He sits there with his tail wagging for no apparent reason, such a treasure.. I love them all and it's going to be SO hard to part with them.... Ugh!  Not long now :( NYE is going to be lonely... But i guess i will survive... I always do.... That's all for now... ..and maybe that's all for 2012....  Thanks for reading, if anyone still does..... Sa...

Yes,  and i can use that word... because our town, today, with no more than ONE inch of snow at the most, was complete gridlock!  I was meant to go and see my friend today and get a few last Christmas presents and it took us an hour to go 3 miles.... Eventually we turned round.  Couldn't be arsed to sit in queues, so we went back into town, did shopping and gave the journey a second go... We were doing fine, then MORE queues.  All in all it took us nearly 2 1/2 hours a journey that normally takes 20 minutes.  ONE INCH OF SNOW!!!!!................. I know this is going to get boring... but its never going to get boring for me... ... 9 day old puppies.... They are already changing colour... They are SO gorgeous.. How on earth am i going to get rid of them!?... It's going to break my heart :( On the upside, my little girl is back to getting her cuddles.. Not been able to do this for weeks.... Lovely puppy! That's all..

Took this gorgeous little picture very very early this morning.  I love the way that (Little Brown) Bear has his arm around his brother... so cute, so precious! So.. I had another night of no sleep!  Oh dear God, i need sleep now, i am fricking exhausted and becoming extremely grumpy.  Understandable really.... However, i can't sleep, i have a house to clean and it won't clean itself!!!! That's all ;)

...This happened on Monday the 26th November at 6pm, 6.17pm, 6.53pm and 9.10pm. I am introducing to you, Bluebells litter of four beautiful puppies (3 boys and 1 girl).  From left to right we have Brian, Bindi, Bernie and Bear. I am keeping (Little Brown) Bear.  He's all Brindle at the moment and the smallest/runt of the litter.  He's gorgeous though and i can't wait for him to get a big boy. 3 days before labour was stressful because she was pacing and nesting, and since the puppies have been born, it's been more stress making sure all babies are feeding well etc, their heat pad is warm, their environment is clean and their weight monitored.  Puppies cries are like baby seagulls screeching and that has been pretty constant day and night for a week.  To say i am sleep deprived is an understatement... I've had barely any sleep, i can count the hours on ONE hand.   Last night, when the babies seemed settled, i had Bluebell wanting to jum...

Yeah.  Facebook friends should not include FAMILY!  My family are not my friends simply because we would never cross paths and we have nothing in common!  My mother, however, a different story. So yeah, when i am deleted by a family member for being honest (and that person can't handle the truth) i was deleted.  Bothered?  LOL... Not at all.  Couldn't be any less bothered, in fact, the less that person knows about my business the better.  This person has hated me from birth and it really is as simple as that. Resentment much!???? So to make sure said person knows NOTHING about my life... i deleted any one associated with them, so no information can get back to them.  Easy peasy. Moving on....

After an almost 3 month break from blogging i thought it was time to come back and chat.... about shit.... This time of the year isn't my favourite, especially since it's about now when i started going 'cuckoo' last year.  I am trying to be brave... i AM brave.. I know i am, i am going to be fine!...... It's been 6 months since i split up with the ex.  It's been odd up to now because i found out he was talking utter lies about  me to everyone and anyone who'd listen, but then i thought.... Do i REALLY care?  And the answer to that was NO!  The people he was telling are people i do not care about.... and have nothing to do with my life... Yeah, not bothered.  However, i was bothered when it was my SISTER he was telling (one day before we split up actually) and she was joining in .........not cool. Anyway, i am a div... and i do tend to cut my own fringe.  Badly.  This time i did it so bad i had to call on the ex - i was NOT willing to pay X a...

Hi people.. I can still see that i am being viewed, which is cool... Firstly i want to say that there was a post on here dated the 20th of September.. I have NO idea how it got on my blog as i have not been on here for weeks.  The blog was about someone from a long time ago.. i really honestly don't know how it came to be.. so i apologise for that... Anyway... Things are going well. I have started walking out on my own again. I have been in TWO media publications recently.  Pick me up magazine and my local newspaper. I am now 'dating' again.  A lovely bloke - who lives TWO minutes away... My puppy was mated yesterday, so hopefully we'll have puppies soon. I'm feeling really well.. Yeah. So that's it in a nutshell..... ;)

..how you are relishing in my depression and illness. You too were sick once, how would you have felt if someone was telling you that you deserved it because you were such a bad person? I am NOT a bad person. I am a fucking good person for all the shit i put up with. I am a VERY GOOD mother, i actually spend time with my son, doing things with him, being THERE for him, i don't ship him out to people because i am bored and want to please myself. I do EVERYTHING for my husband and with everything we've been through i love him more than i could ever imagined, i help my family out whenever i am asked and i've been the best friend possible, so that makes me a bad person? No. We are TWO people (yeah, just us involved in this) - who fell out. Fuck me, the amount of people you've fallen out with over the years i've known you, did that make you deservent of being agoraphobic? Of course it didn't. I just pray to God that you never relapse, because mental illness only ha...

HELLO...  I HAVE DECIDED TO NO LONGER BLOG HERE.  I HAVE BEEN RUBBISH OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS ANYWAY AND TO BE HONEST, I PREFER VLOGGING, SO THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO BE DOING.  I WILL PROBABLY POST THE VIDS HERE... BUT NOT WRITE. MY LIFE HAS TOTALLY CHANGED OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS, I HAVE TOTALLY CHANGED TOO.  I LOVE THE PERSON I AM NOW... I AM HAPPY 99% OF THE TIME.. I DON'T HAVE ANY STRESS, I DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.. I AM CHILLED AND HAPPY...  LIFE IS FANTASTIC AND I WOULDN'T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY... SO YEAH... THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, OR UNTIL THE NEXT VLOG... SARAH X

...Since i wrote a blog about anything of interest.. Life is AMAZING right now.. I am SO happy. Depression has gone completely, i am no longer sad/down/miserable, i am loving everything. My stupid ex is STILL hanging around. EVERY SUNDAY (his full day of drinking day) i will get "I LOVE YOU" texts... NOT INTERESTED. We've been back together THREE times since we split in May. The last time we got back together he was drinking out of a gatorade bottle.. Turns out, the 'Gatorade' was in fact VODKA!!!! He's an alcoholic, i know that, and alcoholics are sneaky.. But i don't need that in my life. So yeah.. BYE BYE! I have also just done another article about Agoraphobia, this time for "Pick me up" magazine which will be out in Issue 37, i think September 6th - or thereabouts... Erm.. Dating is okay! I've met a couple of really nice fellas... i am just enjoying meeting people and having a laugh and occasionally getting pissed.. It'...

Today, i went to a charity football match where Mark Wright was playing - and yes, at 37 i queued and had my photo taken!!! I am not in the least bit ashamed, he's fucking hot!

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

...Starts today.  10am.  I have had no sleep.  My hair is positively enormous and i look like hell!!! BRILLIANT! I'm really looking forward to it actually :)

Good day to you all... I've been a shit blogger again and i really should make more of an effort to get back into it, but you know, i am trying to live my life the best i can right now and to be frank, it's hard... There is SO much going on.... I wouldn't even know where to begin. Firstly i am HAPPY despite a whole world of confusion going on in my head... I don't know how i feel in terms of the ex boyfriend and the current boyfriend.  All i know is that the current boyfriend wants to turn this 'TOM BOY' into a tart, and that's just not happening.  I am happy with my minimal make up, baggy jeans and Converse.  No one will ever turn this chick into a tart but it appears thats what he wants... 

Yes, i am still around. I've been MIA for 2 weeks...and i apologise.  I needed time to compose myself from the shit that i had been dealing with and now i am fine...absolutely over it. Sooo... I have started seeing someone new.  He's lovely... I am VERY lucky. Not giving anything else away right now... that's all i need to share.. I am smitten.   I think he really likes me... we'll see... That's it - that's all i have to share at the moment. Sarah is fucking happy...Blissfully happy. Got gorgeous friends, a lovely man, lovely home, beautiful house... everything is amazing.

...Still nothing, no explanation. One person has said to me that he's just moved on and used my mental health issue to make me look bad and that he couldn't cope with me anymore, when the reality is ONE breakdown (okay, it was bloody awful) but the rest of our time together i did LOADS of things and made LOADS of progress, so really it doesn't make sense. Sean had commitment issues, i knew that, i believe now he wanted to move on - but i am getting the blame.

Sean was a gorgeous boyfriend who for 3 years stood by me... In December/January/February i had a mental breakdown. It was a horrible time for everyone involved, but we came through it and i went on medication. End of April i suffered another minor setback , my meds needed to be adjusted.. but that setback pushed Sean too far and he could no longer cope with me or my illness. I KNOW being with someone with mental health problems is fucking hard.. i never said it would be easy - but i HONESTLY thought he'd never ever leave me *because he said he wouldn't*. However, the breakdown proved too much. 99% of the time, i believed and still DO believe we were happy. We laughed ALL the time.. I ALWAYS made him laugh... We went places i never ever thought i would be able to go to... He HELPED me and encouraged me to do that... He was amazing in that respect...and i will love him FOREVER for helping me. For the first time since 1996 last year i went on HOLIDAY - we had a lovely tim...

NO VLOG! I've been super busy all day with gardening, the weather has been gorgeous. I did loads and changed a lot of my back garden, it looks amazing. I then went and got some new flowers and planted them too! MY LIFE IS SO ROCK N ROLL!!! Tomorrow, more flower purchasing, more paint purchasing and......whatever else takes my fancy!

..Has been going on.. i will make a vlog tomorrow ;)

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to have that feeling of something massive missing from my life anymore. I just need to move on, and i really thought i was, but today, sitting here alone the tears start..... I'

When your relationship ends through something you have no control over, it hurts so much. Stupid fucking illness. I was doing great yesterday and then i had a text conversation with him and he's just completely cut me off... He basically said he can't handle our relationship which then got me thinking. Out of the 36 months we've been together, i was really bad for 2 months, which isn't a lot. Of course in between we've had minor ups and downs, but who the fuck doesn't?? I don't get any of this. It's hurting my head and i've spent another day sobbing and now have the next 25 hours to look forward to, alone. Fuck it all... :(

I would love to be typing how distraught i am about my relationship ending when the truth is 5 days on, i couldn't give a fuck... I really couldn't care less. Is it the pills numbing my emotions? Perhaps, but whatever. I love it. I feel like the weight has gone from around my neck, no more tippy toeing around him, frightened to say the wrong thing, frightened to tell him how you're really feeling for the fear of backlash when he'd been drinking, scared to pick up the phone in case i'd get an ear full.. all that shit has vanished. I'm happy.

...I am still coming to terms with my new single status, but to be honest, i could be and it definitely would be a lot worse if i wasn't taking meds, plus i have just upped it to 10mg.. I am REALLY happy about that because... well, i just am!  Side effects this time are totally different.  I am still taking it at night, after dinner, usually between 7 - 9, but now, i feel really pukey every morning to the point of gagging.  Oh well, don't really care... As long as they start working soon... i can deal with this shit. On Sunday i went to Ipswich to a gorgeous hotel called the Salthouse Harbour Hotel (check it out online, it's stunning).  I needed to get away - so i went... No panic... In fact, i walked to the Pizza Express on my own, waited 20 minutes for the pizza and walked back... and i was fine.. SOME PICTURES OF THE HOTEL... :) Also.. i am SO excited about this picture. My brother found this online. Its a copy of the old Radio Times my father was on. He...

I am fuming today, for several reasons... Yes i end

ALCOHOL COMMENCE!!!!

...back to crazy town! Despite having the EMG test done that came back normal (only took 20 minutes or so, so i am thinking NOT long enough to get good readings), i am still have real issues with speaking and swallowing, so i believe i have Bulbar ALS which starts with the tongue.. Oh good grief.... I am STILL twitching over my entire body, i have denting in my hand which i think is atrophy.... i can't go through this all over again! I've just read that jaw/teeth chattering (check, no i am not cold it just happens),  abnormal startle reflex (check.  If i am startled i get the feeling of an electric shock through my body), feeling food go down really slowly (check),  inability to swallow at times (check, it's like i go to swallow and i just can't), brisk reflexes in the deep tendons (check) are all signs..........great!!!!

...now there's a shocker! I have spent the entire evening in hospital. We had to call an ambulance, these feelings in my heart were insane. I was sat in the back on the ambulance and they did all my obs. I was tachycardic, my BP was really high (usually its stupid low) and my ECG was showing Atrial fibrillation, meaning the top two chambers of my heart are beating faster than the bottom two. I was put on oxygen as well because my breathing was a little bit crappy. The medic man stuck a candular in my hand and hit a valve apparently, my hand swelled up in seconds, it was so painful. Got to the hospital and did all the necessary things and then we had to wait...and wait...and wait. Where they'd stuck that needle in the back of my hand and hit the valve, it started going dead. I couldn't feel 4 of my fingers! I called to get someone to take the bugger out. I'm left with a lovely bit blue bruise this morning. My step-father was called to pick us up because we thoug...

I was up from 3am - 6am with my little man last night. He had a raging temperature and he couldn't stop coughing. When he woke up at 9 i knew it was time to get him to the doctors. He was just floppy and he's constantly in the bathroom coughing and gagging. The doctor, OUR wonderful doctor was very good with him. He checked him from top to bottom, he made Stinky laugh when he asked him how many ciggies he'd been smoking! He's got a crappy chest infection and is on antibiotics now, so PLEASE GOD within a couple of days he'll be feeling better and he can get a good night sleep. He just walked into my room and his eyes are "ill" looking all heavy and dark, he's not his normal happy self. I'm obviously not at work today. My son takes priority every time over work i am afraid. I am sure they'll be pissed off with me but i did warn them yesterday that he was poorly so there was a chance i might not be able to work. Anyway...

Too cute.. The dog is scared of the cat!!!!!  :)

Isn't my blog boring now-a-days?? Nothing in my life to report.. Everything is cool... Oh, i have fucked up my ankle from the 30 day shred.  I haven't "shredded" in a week or so... I can't walk.. I have to start physio on Monday and have an ultrasound appointment too.  Not great.  I am pretty sure i have torn the cartilage in it, why do i think that?  Because the pain is exactly the same as when my knee was bad.  Burning, searing, stabbing agony... So that is that... Bad ankle... Boo. Hiss. ..However, having a bad ankle did not stop me from going shopping.... I purchased 2 duvet sets and some more cushions for my front room....I do love soft furnishings... :) I've spent the day top-to-bottom cleaning my house... there is NOTHING more rewarding that seeing your house look sparkling clean.. I love it.... So.. this is the life of a NON depressed, agoraphobic single mother... Exciting huh???

Dr Christian Jessen is a doctor (obviously) who does lots of TV shows over here. Supersize V Superskinny and Embarrassing bodies to name a few. Anyway, he's been on Sunday Brunch this morning and i was really shocked to hear that he suffers from BDD (and that's he gay! My gaydar is usually spot on, but i missed him...Good for you Doc) He hates his body. He see's himself as the skinny teenager he once was, but clearly he's not. People know i have BDD and whether you choose to believe me or not i don't care. I have been pulled up before on making YT videos (despite there being lots of other sufferers on there doing the same) or taking pictures of myself. What *YOU* don't realise is how many photos i have taken and deleted to get ONE that i can bare.... or how many times i make videos and delete them because i hate the way i look. I NEVER ask for people to say anything about my appearance - i never seek approval from my readers, for you to compliment m...

I was in Sainsburys yesterday doing my shopping and something happened which made me rethink my list of things that piss me off... So in no particular order..... 1) People who have NO manners.  PLEASE/THANK YOU/SORRY... Easy. 2) Two faced fuck heads. 3) People who don't give way to the RIGHT ... GIVE WAY TO THE RIGHT! 4) Old people.  Not all.  Most though.  They are SO rude.  I was rammed yesterday by a womens trolley, she must have been in her 70's, she was walking fine, i checked for walking aids, there was nothing.... she KNEW she'd rammed me because her trolley was stuck on my ankle bone.. did she say sorry?  Did she fuck!  RUDENESS!!!!!! 5) Queue jumpers. 6) Untidiness. 7) People who leave skids down the back of the toilet... If you make a mess - clean it! 8) People who judge others when they are NOT perfect themselves.  Until YOU are perfect, shut the fuck up!!!!! 9) Commitmentphobes. 10) People who think they are better than othe...

I use all my vouchers that the machine in Sainburys spat out at me totaling £2.84 so i could purchase a £4.59 clear nail polish from Rimmel (which by the way i have used and it is shit), and the boyfriend brings me an OPI one... for free...........Ha!!! :)

I've been doing the Jillian Michaels 30 days shred work out video for 7 days now and i can't see any difference yet apart from in my arms slightly, and i was being really cocky because i found "Level 1" on YouTube and i didn't have to buy it, however... can i find "Level 2" anywhere.... Can i heck!?? So the BF is purchasing it for me.... Bless him! Guess he wants me to be all toned too :) So what else? I've just finished cleaning. Proper full on clean... My house is lovely (again), but i've been REALLY tired today... REALLY tired. I got up at 7.30, did my exercising from 8 - 8.45 and then i went back to bed and slept...and now i've just finished cleaning i am knackered again :(  I got a little package today from AMAZON :) I love getting little packages from them... This is what i bought... Shirley Valentine along with Working Girl are two of my favourite 80's films. Since i already have the latter, i neede...

I'm going to be 37 in a matter of months.... That's nearly 40 (gasp)... The things i have been through during my 36 years have been quite colourful.. Not run of the mill normal day to day life, not what i had in my life plan... not what i wanted. Full stop. But the thing is, you deal with all the shit along with the good stuff... I've had my fair share of ups and downs, more downs than ups to be honest (since all my problems started at 12), but i do 100% believe everything happens for a reason and the latest being if i hadn't had this last mental breakdown i would not have gone on medication and i would not be feeling better now.... Which is amazing. Yesterday my boyfriend took the boy and me out on a drive. We went miles away again. He wanted to look at a campsite that had been recommended to him, it was lovely... so i was glad we went and even more pleased because we could stop off at Waitrose on the way home. After a big spend up in there we came home dropped ...

View from my mums conservatory... Stunning. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

...is amazing on the purse strings. Yes people, i have not spent any money for months... nothing really. Well, nothing exciting. Food, food and more food... Haven't purchased anything exciting since i finished doing my house, so i decided to treat myself on...books, a dvd and a cd. Whoop :) Oops, i lie, i just remembered i purchased a book the other week but that was with a Christmas voucher from Amazon. So,

I have found something new in myself... My love of cleaning and keeping my house looking smart. Yes, i have always kept my house nice and tidy, don't get me wrong, but i've stepped it up a level and i seem to be cleaning constantly. I love it. I love the fact you walk up to my house and my garden is smart. I love you walk in my front door and all the skirting boards are gleaming white and dust free.. I love that my front room is immaculate, i won't talk about the kitchen but i will say it's perfectly fine for what i need to do in it. I love that you walk up my stairs and the bathroom is spotless, i love that both of my bedrooms are kept so clean and tidy (even if i do still have to do the boys room!!!!). I love that i care.... Some people just don't give a crap and don't bother about their houses. I know of people where i've walked in and their places stink of an oder that is just rotten. Walk into my house and it smells clean and of spiced apple. ...

..in the garden and my 'girls' are never far away from me.......... This picture makes me laugh, I gave Bluebell a biscuit and she said guarding it for 30 minutes and every time a cat would happen to walk past she'd sit there and growl at them.... she is SO precious.....In the end i pretend threatened to take it away, then she ate it as quick as she could.

That was me on Monday. I went to Southend and Canvey Island. I haven't been there since 1996 and not places i will go back to again in a hurry, but i wanted to see the sea and i chose Southend because the boyfriend didn't want to go to Clacton. Anyway... I takes just over an hour to get there... so yay me.... Whoop... whoop..... Then we came home, got the dog, took her for a walk and i walked over a mile round the park.... i did flipping well. What else? Weather here has been glorious. Got myself a little March tan going on. Been in the garden reading the book "One Day", it's very good so far. Haven't watched the film so that's even better. Tomorrow is going to be an even more amazing day. Housework in the morning (top to bottom jobbie) followed by more sitting in the garden reading.......... LOVE IT! I'm so happy right now. I really am. I am not stressed about stupid little things... Not.At.All..... I'm happier now than i hav...

..is a perfect example of why i won't live with a man! Clearly the bottom drawer is just that little bit too far away for him to be able to put the PJ's in it.................WTF!? Thank the Lord he only stays round once in a blue moon...... Couldn't handle it.

WHERE ARE YOU FIONA!???...................................

For goodness sake... One thing follows another, follows another - however, guess what? I don't give a shit! I LOVE MEDS! I've had a severe allergic reaction to tea tree oil/witch hazel cream. My face is entirely swollen, red and itchy and my eyes are practically closed up...I'll literally seeing through a slit..... BUT...................WHATEV!!!!! Going to the doctors to get some steroids, hopefully they'll start working so i look less like Shreks VERY UGLY sister! :) :) :) BTW - Back with the boyfriend................

Do you have THIS app!?? It's called Draw Something and it's a lot of fun... If you don't have it, get it.....and then add me.... lolabanana75 :)

..Is what i have just had shouted down the phone at me!!! No. 1 - It is a big fucking deal. Taking medication for me is huge. Okay, not anymore... but to take the initial pill after years of refusing is massive. The fear behind anti-depressants

....the risk of 'bigging' my town up... i just want to tell you that in the last year there has been so many deaths/murders its getting stupid now.... I would NOT move here if anyone paid me!!!!!! Forgive me for wanting to remain agoraphobic...... I think it's safer!!!! (NB. Small black box, where i live, big black box, my sons school, big red box - where an alleged murder/rape took place last night)

To all of whom read Sarah's blog but dont have a personal insight to what she is about, i am about to tell you... From an outside persons view. I have asked Sarah to put this up on her Blog. I have met alot of people through the joys of the internet, and i have spoke offline to a fair few, HOWEVER Sarah is the only one i keep in contact with alot. There is a reason for this.... and i am going to tell you why. She is one of the most genuine people i have had the pleasure to talk to, she is beautiful both inside and out and well as much as she will disagree on this, she truely is a top bird. When i was going through a really rough patch in my life, Sarah was there for me, day in and day out- she would listen, advise and make me laugh in times of need. She truely was an angel that was sent to me. She goes through daily struggles which you all know about, and i wish i had a magic wand, or even just one wish in my life for another person, because she would get that wish. I would ...

So it's been 28 days since i started my medication...it's been okay, however i am plagued with headaches, exhaustion and all the same symptoms still persist that i had before i started the pills, but now, instead of running to the doctors, i REFUSE to go... Not interested, i would rather be in pain, sit here with the buzzing, numb face, burning lips, tremors and twitching... than go back there again!!!! No way.... Saying all that, what do i want out of my medication? I don't want to be depressed... AND I want to be able to go out freely again, without anxiety and panic... That's all... To be able to go out alone is something that i will aim toward, but NOT focus on. I would be MORE than fine with just to be happy...

I had a very short conversation yesterday loosely around the subject of friendship - and it got me thinking.... and researching..... According to Wikipedia... THIS is the definition of Friendship... Friendship  is a form of  interpersonal relationship  generally considered to be closer than association, although there is a range of degrees of  intimacy  in both friendships and associations. Friendship and association are often thought of as spanning across the same  continuum  and are sometimes viewed as weaknesses. The study of friendship is included in the fields of  sociology ,  social psychology ,  anthropology ,  philosophy , and  zoology . Various academic theories of friendship have been proposed, among which are  social exchange theory ,  equity theory , relational  dialectics , and attachment styles . Value  that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the followin...

I have just been out in the car with my sister to her friends .... followed by going to Tesco. Not been out alone with her for TEN YEARS!!!!

My contract FINALLY came up with O2... I'd had the iPhone 3gs for 2 years and i wanted initially just the Iphone 4, wasn't worried about the NEW fancy one with "Siri"... But, when they offered me a really good deal for not much more money, i couldn't refuse. Basically i only pay extra a month what i would have done on ONE packet of ciggies... so... yeah... I am the proud owner of a 4s.... Saying that, i have NO idea how to use the thing and quite frankly, when i was messing with the camera on it, and it did a 180 and my face popped up on it, i was terrified. Good grief.... I'd been crying for days, looked like a cross between a zombie/Casper and something from "The night of the living dead"......Scared the shit out of me.... Anyhoo.... WHEN i finally learn what 'extras' it has on it and i stop using it the same way as i did my old phone, i'll be happy.... Oh yeah, my iphone case was from "Paperchase"..... Love it. Also.....

MUM...I watched that video of Bluebell talking.... ME... You've been on my blog again....? MUM...Yes............................. STOP READING MY BLOG MOTHER/SISTER!!!! I spoke to mum about (didn't i mum!?) and because now she reads it, it's like being 16 again and her reading my diary... although this time, she can't cross out me saying 'fuck'..... But also, i can't write exactly what i want any more... because some things, mum's don't need to read....

Foooooooooooking hell.  What a time i've had.  15 weeks of pure hell. .. Not including most of last year that i spent depressed... I can look back at what happened to me and put it down as the worst episode of mental health (health anxiety) i have ever had in my life - and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Now it's all over (fingers crossed) i can yet again, pick myself up and start focusing on my recovery.  It's going to be long and hard, but i have no doubt in my mind that i will be able to do it. Now.... Let's talk about 'rejection'... This is something that i have struggled with all my life.   Friends/relationships.... when i am rejected from their lives it hurts.  Of course it does, naturally... but i really take it personally, but then it IS personal... These people no longer want me in their lives, because of who/what i am... and that is really hard to cope with and the more times it happens, the more i hate myself..... So what can i...

I can't and haven't stopped crying since *IT* happened on Sunday (apart from when i was out walking yesterday). I am not strong enough to deal with a break-up when i am still coping with a breakdown. I am an idiot and i've lost my baby..... forever. FUCK OFF STUPID MENTAL FUCKING HEALTH PROBLEMS.  YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE AND MY FUCKING RELATIONSHIP.

..very apt in light of my recent situation AND the fact that i just walked for 34 minutes and 1 1/2 miles.................. ALONE. NO PANIC. NO ANXIETY. Just walking.... :) March 6, 2012 Transformation in Stride Cancer Daily Horoscope Your thoughts may be running out of control today and you may feel wound-up and tense. Your mental turmoil may be the result of changes currently taking place in your life. As you go through periods of transition, you experience a clash between your old mind-set and new ideas. You can calm and quiet your mind, however, by mentally cataloging the changes you are going through and asking yourself why you are being so resistant. It may simply be fear of the unknown that is preventing you from letting go of what no longer serves you. By taking pride in the positive changes you have made in your life today, you can honor yourself for your progress and welcome the new. Understanding that as we grow we naturally change in many ways can help you cope wit...

I feel sick. I have literally cried all day.... As if i haven't had enough to deal with lately.... I go and do this! Why? Why did i do this....? I knew he didn't feel the same about me any more. He hadn't said anything, but when you know, you know..... Other things had happened that i won't go into because they are private....

If you'e been reading here awhile you'll know that i totally bought into the whole "The Secret" and "The Power" books... Law of attraction and all that - it DID make sense while i was reading it - you get back what you put out... simple concept really. Anyway, i forgot to be thankful/grateful and let my love for the universe slip (i went mental, sorry universe!). So anyway, when i came across the latest book in the range, i was "on it like a car bonnet"....i immediately purchased it and although the release date isn't until tomorrow, i have already received mine, guess the UNIVERSE is trying to tell me something, either that or Amazon is just super duper efficient!? I'll let you know what i think after i have read it. This is what it says on the back... You hold in your hands the way to a magical life. Remember when you were a child and you believed that life was magical? Well, the magic of life is real and it's far more br...

Where would you expect your dog to sit while you're styling your hair!? On me of course.... Where else?

When i ask her to 'rollover'.... it sounds like shes saying NO!!!! I know she isn't really.... i am not that mad yet.... It just sounds funny ;)

Just quickly to start with, I was in Tesco earlier with my mum and she disappeared (as she does) and i DID get a twinge of panic.... Now, i was a little pissed off with this, because i thought the pills might have stopped that reaction. Clearly not yet.... :( Anyway, i got back from town and sat my lazy arse on the bed... where it likes to be. I knew i had ironing to do but couldn't be bothered, then... from no where, i got some enthusiasm from somewhere and i did the following in this exact order.... Change duvet in my room Took the cooker rings of and soaked, sprayed cooker top with bleach and left Did sit ups Ironing Sprayed the bathroom with cleaner Finished cleaning cooker Bleached all kitchen surfaces Hoovered downstairs Dusted downstairs Washed floors downstairs Cleaned bathroom Hoovered upstairs Dusted my room Dusted the boys room Washed floors upstairs Back downstairs - polished lounge floor (that's a hands 'n' knees job) Upstairs polishe...

20 THINGS TO START DOING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Can't love this website enough... ;)

Goodness me. My blog is DULL!!!!! Even *I* wouldn't be reading it right now.... WTF? My sons brace....??? Am i that short of things to write about? Clearly. Thing is this... I believe i am currently going through a transition period and i need to get through this and then i am sure my dullard life will (fingers crossed) be better! I'm not just sat indoors all day every day. I have been going out with my mother to where she works. Initially i went to help 'cause she'd hurt her back doing sit-ups.... and i didn't want her doing things that would make it worse, so i offered my assistance, which she was please about, i did that a few times, but the last twice, the guy who she works for paid me - £10!!!! Whoop... I didn't go to get paid, i was just happy to not sit in..... Today, Saturday, i am off up the town to get some shopping, hopefully the BF will come round (but who knows!?)... and that is that. No much else is going on...

The boy has had his brace on for 11 weeks, look how much straighter the bottom teeth are.... I can hardly believe the speed in which they are moving. But there is one small problem... He has managed to break it FOUR times which means the dentist could stop treatment right now *you're given 3 chances* ..... but she is going to carry on, for now...... That's all... :)

Vlog from November. Failed. ..so tried again... And now for today's attempt..........(I cut the video short by 6 minutes because a sign in the video clearly said where i lived.... doh!)

So, i am feeling fed up today. I am NOT accepting what is going on with me is purely anxiety. I won't and why should i? The buzzing and vibrating is doing my frigging head in, literally. I woke up this morning (as i do every morning) with horrible internal vibrations, and even worse in my head. My whole head was just buzzing....it's quite scary, but i don't know if its the medication or not, but i am not obsessing over it, i am just 'dealing' with it, but i am not going to risk my health for the fear that the doctors will think i am crazy. My leg/foot is constant too.... So, i took 2 x 2mg diazepam, 'cause that'd get rid of any anxiety that i have.... and guess what, it did NOTHING!!!! My face still feels weird and my lips still feel like they are burning... Whatever............... :(

...Off to the Colpscopy clinic for my 6 monthly check-up............ Whoop whoop!!!!!!!!!!

Wowzers, i am back to being 'me' (that's me BEFORE the depression set in and before i went NUTSO.....). I am feeling so much better. I'm still agoraphobic/panicky/anxious (yawn) but i am feeling more normal which i think is fan-tas-tic after only 11 days. High 5 to Cipralex!!!!

...Windows are all open, letting the beautiful 'spring' breeze through my house... IF only it wasn't so wet out, i'm guessing from rain in the night, i would be in the garden right now doing more stuff... It honestly is a 'no coat needed' day.

Sitting in the Honda garage waiting for my mothers car to be serviced. Only been here an hour, got another hour left..... So bored! Feel like crap today. Jaw is hurting like hell on the right side.... My tongue still feels odd and I'm still fucking buzzing, ALL OVER!!! I hate this, 'THIS' is NOT normal. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I got my backside moving today. I cut the grass and weeded... First time i've been proactive for a while, so that HAS to be a good thing, right? However... my legs STILL feels weak and buzzy, this cannot be anxiety, i am on anxiety medication... I'm slightly pissed off about this. I don't want to start getting scared about this now.....................

The new sofa... fits perfectly!!! :)

CIPRALEX AND ME . I'm keeping a diary of exactly how i feel, when i feel it... Today, as you'll be able to see has NOT been a good day..... Just taken tablet No. 4 and it was touch and go whether i was going to pop it or not, but then i read a lot of positive feedback on the medication and it made me feel better. I am AWARE that the first 2 weeks are going to be rough and i'm just going to have to deal with it.... The headache and all the other sidies are not fun today :(