BEING SARAH.......

...than having a panic attack...? Having a panic attack at 12.30am - when you're all alone and you're freaking out because you can't fucking breath!

Went to the doctors, i have acute sinusitis, laryngitis AND an upper respiratory infection... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

..and for my next trick, i will develop Laryngitis.... and my left sinus cavity in my cheek is on fire (along with my left nostril)..... Holy moly this hurts. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! IT!

..don't know where to start. I'm still sick, in fact, i am worse. Not only has my cough got worse (getting 2nd lot of antibiotics today), but i am aching so much. Throat, ears, head, legs....arms.... everywhere. But this is the least of my problems. Christmas Eve. The boyfriend came over, i can't really remember what had happened, but he was drunk and stormed off up to bed and i was left downstairs feeling ill - i think i got to bed about 6am, only to be up at 7... Christmas Day. He went off to do family stuff and i was feeling terrible still then he got the arse ache because i felt ill. At 2 we went round to my neighbours for drinks and at 3 we were picked up to go round to my sisters. It was a nice afternoon actually, however i still felt shitty. Got home at 8, my ex came round to see the boy and the BF again drank too much and this time pissed me right off as he tripped and spilt RED WINE all over my white walls... ..but i was the bad one for over-rea...

From the boyfriend... A microwave... Mine broke. A onesie. 2 tins of biscuits Take That Progress tour DVD Nighty Night DVD Diamond studs Cheese... Black Bomber, my favourite. The Secret daily teachings book. Mark Wright calender From the mother . A set of my favourite Vichy face products. DKNY perfume. A book. Earrings Tin of biscuits And 2 boxes of cheesey snack things.. (and money to buy paint with... that i haven't got yet) Mark Wright Calender Anne Geddes Calender My sister. A book. Bracelett Ring A 'Keep calm and carry on' canvas. The ex husband Picture. A Chinese lady money box £75 River Island vouchers. My son... 5 pieces of make-up... :) My dad. 2 pieces of La Roche Possay face products. ...and some other little bits and bobs that i can't remember.

NHS iPhone app, these are the details....... Not too shabby, i'm happy with that!!! Nearly 9 days no smoking, don't even fancy one..... GO ME!!!! I have no idea where that £30+ is though... i'm no richer... :(

Hope everyone had a good Christmas... BUT... Oh my goodness... To all those who read my blog on CHRISTMAS DAY - What were you thinking??? Our day was okay. I will write more later, but right now, i'm cooking dinner and puppy-sitting for my sister, too much fun!

What a lovely surprise i received this morning from.... Fiona. Oh my gosh.. I am so happy (despite still being SO ill).... Thank you lovely - You are fabulous and didn't need to do this for me.... ♥

I'm still sick.  Still got a bad chest infection.  Still coughing up a lung every five minutes.  Still feel like i've been run over by a bus (x 1,000,000).  Not the best run up to Christmas Day, but i don't care to be honest.   The problem i am having (as well as coughing ALL THE EFFING TIME), is when you're taking antibiotics (erythromycin) /cough medicine (Covonia)/pain relief(Co-Codamol) and throat lozenges (Strepsils) it has a very bad negative effect on the digestive system causing huge amounts of pain and i have had a constant stomach ache since Tuesday :( Anything else interesting? Yes and no.  I had an assessment done for my mental health.. and it turns out i am suffering with 'Clinical Depression'.  I am really not doing well mentally at all and i am scared, scared because i am struggling with nasty horrible thoughts, and i can't just ignore them. I was in the bath today, mid day, really strange time to bathe, but i was hurtin...

Took me AGES to get the animals all looking the same way!!!   Bella, Bluebell and Blossom.

My BF has just walked out on me after a conversation about Christmas.  I am so fucking depressed, is it any wonder i am not looking forward to it?  I have NOTHING in my life that i am looking forward to.  Every-single-day is a constant battle with pains/depression/agoraphobia/panic/self loathing.... etc, etc.  My mother had the biggest go at me today telling me i look 'Hideous' which i love.... I am fed the fuck up with everything. ...and i self harmed.  Have no other way to express my emotions.  I am fucked.  Proper fucked in the head.

...we're getting to Christmas, the more anxious i am getting.   There are so many things that i hate about Christmas i couldn't possibly be arsed to start listing them all.   When i say i am getting anxious about Christmas, i REALLY am.  The whole thing from start to finish fills me with utter dread.  The fact that i have got to stay round the BF's when i've barely left the house in weeks is scaring me.  The fact that we've got to go visiting, again, when i've hardly been out, that's making me anxious too.  I hate the whole family get-together part too.  My family, doesn't get on too well... there is ALWAYS a row, always, always, always, and i find that really hard to deal with... And on top of ALL this, i am fucking ill... Coughing my lungs up.  I sound like a seal barking... it's not good.  The medicine that i am taking isn't working, so hopefully the antibiotics will.  I'm just completely pissed off and dreadfully miserable at the mom...

... I have a chest infection... Lovely!  Feel.Like.Shit.

...next year, NOT to go Christmas shopping a week before Christmas.  Fricking MADNESS!!!!  I am exhausted... mentally and physically.... Plus, my mother OFFERED to purchase me the Michael Kors watch that i wanted as well as help me with the decorating.... but i said "no"..... Shedding a few tears here... :(

I feel like hell and have done for so long now. It feels like my entire body hurts, shoulders, ribs, back, head, wrists, knees, legs... everything hurts... Now. One good thing is that all my blood tests are fine, so that's a positive thing... BUT... the horrendous constant fatigue, combined with all the pains is making me not want to move, anywhere cause when i do move, i hurt. My brain is in a constant fog, not to mention my skin, fuck me, how itchy am i??? It's like my skin is crawling 24/7. Bored of it now.... In other news........ My boy, my angel, the love of my life, my WHOLE life, had his brace fitted yesterday, he's in a whole world of pain too. Can't eat anything.. Soup is on the menu right now. Tomorrow, i have got the blind fitting man coming round. He's quoted me £24 for new drops for my downstairs blinds, which is excellent, and he's going to price me up for the boys bedroom, for Venetian blinds.. Cheapest ones possible :) and after...

A few weeks ago i blogged about getting my house redecorated... Well, i *think* i told the guy that i wanted it done, that was before i had to spend £xxxx on getting Billy fixed... and then put to sleep... so i forked out A LOT. Anyhoo, i decided that i couldn't afford to get the house done.. however, i forgot to tell him, during the sadness that was Billy's passing... :( He called yesterday and said that he needed to come round to measure up etc, and i said that i could not longer afford it. He said "I hope you can because i've ordered all your flooring in...." Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! WTF? So, i'm fucked. Yes. Fucked. I don't have the cash... anywhere now. I'm having to blag from my mother to change my Christmas present (the Michael Kors watch) into paint and furnishings for my house. I am going to have to try my hardest to 'shabby chic' my old furniture in the front room instead of purchasing new.... oh the joys, and in my boys ...

I've had one hell of a few days. After the BF went missing from his works 'do', climbed over his gate paralytic because he lost his key, fell, battered and bruised himself.... little did i know what i was in for next..... ... He Skyped me, which was great.... continuing to down shots at 7.00 in the morning. He went off to have a doze, which he did until 2pm. He Skyped me back - but then it all went wrong..... He started. He turned vile and nasty... Saying things i don't even want to repeat. I was fuming... This time, he really hurt me. He was saying things firstly that was completely untrue... THEN he went on to bang on out my mental health problems.... again.... and he topped it all off with blaming my mother... LINE.CROSSED.MUCH!? And finally he said "If you can find someone better...then do it...." To which i replied "By the way you've been going on about me for the last hour, i'm sure you could do the same...." then he cancell...

So my dad came to visit on Saturday, it was the normal visit, him sitting there watching the television while i spoke to his wife.. then he leaves. Sums it up really. Saturday morning was nice

...which is lovely. Nose dripping literally like a tap... sneezing....feel like crap...

My boyfriend has his works 'do' last night... Obviously he got pissed, but this year to the point where he clearly couldn't walk. He's got cuts on his forehead, both hands, a bashed elbow and a massive graze right down his side. I HATE his Christmas works party.... Hated it last year, hate it this year..

...Is a Michael Kors watch..... Just saying! Not that i celebrate Christmas, because i hate it, but if someone wants to purchase me one, then i am going to accept. Sadly, when i told my mother that they are in the region of £200-£400... she wasn't that impressed.... Fingers crossed she gets generous... :)

EXCELLENT webpage..... Please, CHECK. IT. OUT.... ANXIETY SYMPTOMS - How many do you have!???

After the hoo-ha that was my Tesco trip with my mother and losing her i've been okay in there... Today, i had already been in Sainsburys but there were things that i still wanted from Tesco. Turns out, that if my mother sits in the car while i go shopping alone, that is FINE.... But.....going in with her and losing her, totally different, panic stations... Don't get it. So anyway. I am walking around, everything is cool, i get all the things that i needed, got the the self serve checkout and suddenly, from no where, i started shaking, then came the feeling that i was going to faint. I was having visions of me legging it, getting so far out of the shop and just passing out... Not great. I continued to scan my stuff, which incidentally EVERY item i scanned there was a problem once i put it in the bag, so i had to wait for the assistant to come and sort me out... I was getting more and more fainty..... I quickly paid and went.... Just as i was walking out the door, i foun...

...Trying to get fit(ish), well not fit, that's a lie... "In shape" i think is better..... I need to try and stop crying over Billy Bonkers, i am terribly sad , and will remain this way for a long time, but waking up in the middle of the night and breaking down is not good for my health, mental or other... So i have to focus on something else now.....

Billy Bonkers birthday - she would have been 7..... Just took the Bluebell to the vets and i asked them how old she was, i really didn't know... that it was today... Very sad...

The vet finally called me with the best phone call i could have received... Feel much better now that i made the right decision with Billy Bonkers. The initial diagnoses of Lymphoma wasn't entirely correct. She did in fact have Leukaemia which had then spread to the liver... and lymph nodes. Poor little thing didn't stand a chance and the vet said that given all the medication she had, *IF* there was any chance of her getting better, it would have been visible by Saturday....but she was just as unwell and still not eating... Don't feel like i gave up too quickly now.

I went outside first thing this morning and said "Hello Billy Bonkers"..... It was cold, but d

...can't believe that my little cat is in there.... I'm really struggling.... Miss her SO much. :(

A friend just contacted me on Facebook and she's offered to drive 10 miles AT MIDNIGHT to come and have a cuppa with me........ How nice is she!?

Thought i'd just weigh myself since ALL my clothes are hanging off me and i weighed in at a rather pathetic 6st 9lb or 93lb...... I've been eating.... don't get it.... :(

Billy Bonkers cuddling her only surviving kitten.... So cute....

..It's just so bloody hard. All i can think about is her. Went to get her and they showed me to the room where they had her wrapped in a little towel, i broke down and had to the get boyfriend to come in and save me... I had her laying on my lap on the way home, i was stroking her.... telling her again that i loved her... Got her back to my house and placed her on the work surface while my boyfriend dug a hole. I HAD to see her one more time so i uncovered her to reveal the most peaceful looking animal.. Just like she was snoozing... Her fur was horrible though. Combined with the fact that she'd been gone for 4 days and also the cancer does effect the quality of it... she looked rough.... but still, i sat and stroked her the entire time the bf was digging... I gave her a final kiss on the head, wrapped her up and placed her genitally in her grave.. Placed a little red carnation on top of her... and said 'goodbye'..... She's gone now.... R.I.P Billy Bonkers...

Crying for 10 hours straight yesterday has caused me to have the most unbelievable pain in the sinuses this morning... ..but i had a proper meltdown about 7pm last night.... While i was sobbing i had the worst feeling in the world... After they put her to sleep they said they'd cremate her for me, which at the time i was fine with, i didn't want to see dead Billy Bonkers any more, however, thinking about it, i started stressing over what they'd do with her ashes, where would they go? They said i could have the ashes back for an extra £130...but since i'd already run up a bill of £600 from all the tests/operation/biopsies and chemo... i really couldn't do any more financially for her... I tried my hardest to get her well, spending what i could on doing that, but i'm running out of money.... Anyhoo... in a frantic moment i called the emergency line and i asked them if they'd cremated her yet and luckily they hadn't... So i am going to collect my Bill...

My beautiful Billy, her last picture alive..... Her cancer was found to be too aggressive and the fact she still wasn't eating... we decided it was the most humane thing to do... I am gutted... I cannot explain how fucking terrible i feel right now.... I love you Billy Bonkers.... I'm so sorry..... Goodnight, i love you .

...Look who's home.... She is not in a good way.  Got a vets appointment this afternoon at 2.40.   I got up this morning and nothing.  Then i was having a conversation with my mother on the phone and i went downstairs... In the middle of the garden sat Billy.  I ran out to make sure it was her.  I picked her up and brought her indoors.  She's not walking, i don't know if she's just weak or she's been knocked over.  She is all skin and bones...  So sad.  I gave her mackerel but she wasn't in the slightest bit interested.  She's had a little drink.. but thats all. I hope the vets can mend her.... UPDATE She's being kept in at the vets due to a finding of a big lump under the neck.. They need to rule out cancer... She's being VERY friendly, which is not like my Billy... She's a feisty girl and generally will attack anyone within a 2ft radius of her.... Anyhoo - should hear later on this afternoon... ANOTHER UPDATE Vet just ca...

Started at 9.30 this morning and i have just sat down now.. First of all i had to put the Christmas tree up, then..... that followed into a frenzied complete house clean, including all kitchen cupboards.... Ugh!  What a job that is to do... Bathroom - done. Bedrooms - done. Stairs - done. Front room - done. Kitchen - done. Rest time :)

TrueLoveWaits isn't always the best way to go... judging by this couple's FIRST KISS - EVER!!!

I will write this as exactly how it went... (Standing by the make-up) Mum - Right i'm going to the toilet Me - Okay, don't be long, i'll wait right here.... After 10 minutes with panic rising mother didn't appear, i walked round to the loo's and she wasn't in there either.  I tried calling, no answer.  By now i was panicking... What do i do?  Embarrassingly i went to customer services where i explained that i was having a panic attack and that my mother had disappeared and could they put a call out for her.. I was in full panic mode by now.. Just as they called her, she appeared.  I went nuts.... Me - Where have you been!? Mum - No where, looking for you... Me - You took ages, i stood by the make-up for 10 minutes... Mum - You weren't there... (Turns out she wasn't even looking in the make-up section, but the clothes aisle, 6 aisles down!!!) So that was that... We carried on for a bit and i went to the self service check outs and mum went ...

It appears that my cat 'Billy Bonkers' has gone missing.  She was in last night when i went to bed, but i've been up since 7 and she's not here, it's now 1pm.   This is TOTALLY out of character.  She doesn't do this.  The furthest she goes is the garden.  Thing is, she's been off her food the last couple of days and i just assumed that she'd gone off the new brand i had bought and was going to buy her a different kind today... But now i don't know.  I've been looking around the estate, calling her, but nothing :( Getting flipping worried now. Billy Kitten... Billy now

Play fighting, it's what we do!!!  He's a tough boy...

To you kind people... For your messages (on and off of my blog). I understand that it may appear that i don't try hard enough, or that i am a moaner, or that i just 'shop' all the time... But none of that can be further than the truth. Let me tell you about my not trying hard enough.. Yesterday as i was getting ready to be picked up to go out, my heart was racing so fast and i was so anxious it was unreal.. Couldn't explain it. Me not trying would have been saying that i am not going.. However, i forced myself out of the house, got in the car and held onto the car seat for dear life for the 10 minute journey.. Believe me, i could have easily said 'sod it, i feel bad, i want to stay home'.... Just because i don't blog this stuff everyday, doesn't mean i am not trying, or that i am a lazy bitch who just sits indoors all day wallowing in self pity.. Don't get me wrong, i DO that, often.. but maybe that is all down to depression, feeling generall...

Had a quote through for doing my house up.... and i am bummed!!! Way too expensive... So much so, my friend who's husband is a painter/decorator nearly pissed herself laughing at it... I could have him do it, but i don't like to mix business and pleasure.... Back to the drawing board i suppose... :(

LAST NIGHT .... I think someone spiked my drink because i feel like i have the hangover from hell... My head is pounding - but all i had was diet coke. Ugh! Fabulous night though... LOTS of laughs.... :)

..A leaving party of my old bosses at the pub... Feel so tired...exhausted in fact. Still fed up, anxious... but i am going to try my best. My skin has broken out too...just to make me feel better!!!!

I've had a whole day to digest the comment that was left for me and it does sadden me. I write on my blog because it's an outlet for me. It lets me express my true self. Yes, of course i am leaving myself wide open to criticism but to be honest, if i was reading a blog written by a person who felt so badly about themselves/their lives, the last thing in the world i would do is start putting them down, especially making comments about their father which is a real sore subject for me to deal with. I don't know if i can handle that kind of shit right now.. I don't need any other added negativity in my life.

I don't care that people are have a negative opinion of me, but what does annoy me is the sudden obsession with me shopping... Who gives a shit what i do with MY money. I will say this ONE MORE TIME because it's clear that a lot of haters out there don't get it... I AM NOT ON ANY KIND OF BENEFIT. NO GOVERNMENT MONEY COMES MY WAY apart from child benefit with every other mother in the land receives. So, really, it is NONE of your business what i do... If i was spunking tax-payers money on shit, then yes, i would hold my hands up and apologise, BUT I AM NOT! Another thing that i want to address is that i MOAN and that i am NOT trying hard enough to recover. I have DEPRESSION and all those out there who suffer with depression will know how it feels... I struggle so much with it and when i am down, i am down.. and it does takes longer to get back into the swing of things.. But i can honestly say, i try my best... if that doesn't come across like that then it...

..My friend today was going through her emails (facebook) and found a rather interesting conversation between my ex husbands best friend and her... This conversation took place in early May 2009... before he actually officially asked for a divorce... Okay so we weren't living together, but we were talking about getting back together... Still - hearing what i heard today was like another knife in the back... It went something like this... EX HUSBANDS FRIEND... I asked if all was well with him and Sarah and he said it was all fine. MY FRIEND... Oh? EX HUSBANDS FRIEND... I thought something was up because he'd be acting like a dog on heat and cracking onto every women within a 3ft radius. He's been banging on about going out and getting pissed with his mates from work and when we were out the other night he was perving over all the girls.... THIS WAS BEFORE HE'D ASKED FOR THE DIVORCE! I am gutted. I don't know why, because we weren't living together, bu...

Love. Not having real love. Not having someone who cares enough about me to put the fucking bottle down. Not having someone who is there for me, everyday..., instead, being too pissed to drive and isn't available or dependable. Someone who wants to make a future with me and it not being just a temporary thing. Someone who doesn't lie. Someone who really understands my problems and not just 'playing the part' of someone who does. I want to be a priority and not last on the list... I want to be made to feel special and loved. I want a RELATIONSHIP...... I want someone to love me, as much as i love them. I want the fairy tale.

We were talking last night and it seems very apparent that i am a poor girl with very expensive taste.... This saddens me, because there is so much that i want to do to my house. My boys bedroom aside ('cause that's being done regardless) i have all these ideas of changing my house and now... i want this... ...Carries leather chair from her apartment in Sex and the City... Can i find one anywhere? Nope... This is the closest i have found.... ..but it's in Calais...and goodness knows what it would feel like to sit on... I am getting rid of my 1 1/2 seat black sofa and my 2 seater sofa because they will not go with dark wood flooring... I need, i WANT a tan coloured one, and not one that matches the armchair, i don't want everything matching. I am having 2 units made by the same people who made my bedroom furniture, one for the TV and one small sideboard to keep all my CDs/DVDs in.... SO SO SO much that i have got to do.. In my boys room i need a new bed, chest...

I've been watching Charles Trippy and Alli Speed on YT for years, way before their first daily vlogs. Seen them be boyfriend and girlfriend. Seen them get engaged and now comes the wedding... She looks beautiful and he is SO freaking handsome... Been crying a fair bit today.

I'm doing good people... Still eating... Small amounts, but still eating. Still pooping.. 8-8.30 every morning like clockwork - a-maz-ing Waist is smaller than before... 22.5inches (must be due to no bloating from laxatives) Do i feel any better in myself - Not yet... no :(

This post isn't going to stay up for long.. but i have to get it out ... so stressed. Earlier in the year my bf's mother had a near fatal cardiac arrest - this encouraged my bf to get checked out also because of his father dying of a C.A very young. He had blood tests 6 months ago that showed his cholesterol was elevated and this resulted in him going on statins. He vowed that he'd' stop drinking....that turned into not drinking so much, which to be fair, he had cut down...but still drinking above average, every single day of the week without missing a single day... thus, never not having alcohol in his system, regardless of the volume of which he was consuming it and to be honest, i have NO idea how much he drinks or what he drinks when i am not with him, which is 4/5 days a week. Fast forward to last week.... He had to have another blood test done to see if his cholesterol levels had dropped... We went into the doctors today and found out that yes, it has drop...

All wrapped up.... I have just a couple more things to get, not much at all..... I am so proud of myself this year.... :) I've had to buy for Stink, 4 nephews, 1 niece, my boys half brother and sister, mum, baby George, bf, Stinkys dad....and the rest which includes my sister, brother-in-law, stepfather, auntie, my dad and my step mum all got scratch cards.... Yep, lotto scratch cards.... I am giving them the chance to win money, how nice of me!?? ;) Right time to get dinner ready.... DAY FOUR - BULIMIA RECOVERY - Still doing okay.

To round it up, we were in the dentists for TWO HOURS! I've been sedated and had 2 teeth out and wasn't in there THAT long! Good grief! I was beginning to get anxious... my boy, he was fine! So we get called in, he had his injections, nearly broke my hand whilst they were going in, then we had to wait for the numbing to take. Finally get into the room and the little fricker wouldn't come out. I reckon it took a good 25-30 minutes, my boy was SO brave. Once it was out we went sent back into the waiting room for the bleeding to stop. Another half an hour goes past and we're called back in. They take out the wadding and say we're free to go. As we are walking to the door, my boys mouth literally fills up with blood, so i run him back to see the dentist. This time they stick something into the hole and we're told to wait, ANOTHER 30 minutes........... Ugh! This time it slowed the bleeding down.... Until we get home and it starts pissing with blood again...

Completed :)

Yesterday was hard... I didn't take pills, so that's amazing. It was hard for other reasons... I felt low, depressed, i self harmed... i felt shit. I ate my dinner, drank my V8, took my vitamins, had my 'Skinny' Water (packed with vit C)..... Still...., i'm finding it really hard. Today i have got my period. I feel fat, disgusting, bloated, ugly, spotty and generally rubbish... HOWEVER, i am on DAY THREE OF NOT USING! That's good.... Positive thinking Sarah, oh, and i pooped again :) I took Stink to the dentists, and they obviously decided on a brace being put on the 15th Dec, but also he needs one tooth out, ONLY because when his upper left baby tooth next to his front tooth came out, the adult tooth never grew through, sooo.... once his brace has straightened his teeth, it'd look odd because he'd have a K9 one side and a smaller tooth the other, so in order for him to have a symmetrical smile they said to take the small tooth upper right out...

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF TOILET TALK IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU! I have just had my first normal poop in like YEARS!!! Go me. Okay, it wasn't massive, but it does clear up the concern that my bowel was fucked!!!! So happy... Off to the dentist with my boy, see what's happening with his brace, hopefully they've come to a decision ;)

I went grocery shopping and purchased myself some Flaxseed oil. I have no idea what to do with it yet, but i'll do some more research on when to drink it. I also got Spinach (to eat raw), beetroot and cottage cheese... Don't ask me why cottage cheese! I don't eat breakie, but from now on, it's going to be a big glass of V8 juice. Packed full of vitamins... We'll see how that goes :)

WELCOME TO DAY 1 OF MY RECOVERY AGAINST BULIMIA!!!! I'm going to try *again* to stop taking the laxatives. It's going to be so hard... but i am fed up of having no energy... fed up of having pains all the time.. fed up of it all.... I'm scared, really scared, but i know i have to do this..... No doubt to begin with i will be counting calories, but i will ease back into eating normal over time. I currently weigh 6st 11 - which for a 36 year old women is fucking stupid.... Enough said.

I am speaking from personal experience here..and i don't know if anyone else who reads this get's it too... but i just hate it when i am involved in conversations that i have no clue as to what it is all about. I am so stupid. I don't watch the news or read the papers... i like to be oblivious to what is going on the world, makes me think that everything is A-Okay... But then, if my BF happens to turn on the news and there is all this trouble in Greece, they've got a new PM in the hope that they can somehow sort out their financial difficulties, but after watching a show on C4 the other day about 'Going Greek for a week' it's no wonder they are in so much trouble. Then it worries me because the they expect the rest of the EU to bail them out... Where we as a country as already SO in debt.... ugh... see THIS is the exact reason i don't watch the news. Doom 'n' gloom, all the way. So... What do you do when you're in a conversation that i...

I posted this on Facebook earlier, 'cause i was having a panic attack. I was really struggling and I couldn't get hold of anyone to talk to which made me worse. Eventually i started feeling a bit better, with the encouragement of some amazing friends. Gotta love Facebook for that... Anyhoo... I just get a comment from a 'Girl' friend of my son's. She said that her mum ALSO suffers with Panic Attacks and she too is scared to go out (sometimes). What are the chances of that? This girl my son really likes.. I met her on Halloween and she was lovely and acts/looks and behaves much older than her 12 years, difference between this young lady and my boy is that she *gets* the whole panic thing whereas my boy tends to not really take much notice, saying that, he's never really around when i do panic.... Hmmm.... This is her latest comment... Aww yeahh i know how it feels coz I lost my normal mum too, but she is normal to me as she is now. She got worse wen ...

I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE

This blog i have been writing since about 2002/2003, so quite a few years. I've had my disagreements with people in the past and thankfully i thought that was all over.... Until now. There is not much i can say apart from this...... If you don't like what you read then don't read, it REALLY IS as simple as that. No one forces anyone to click on my profile, or go to a link or whatever.. I just don't get it. I don't get why people have to be mean, thinking they know my life and what goes on behind closed doors. Obviously i only disclose what i want people to know, i don't divulge everything, because some of it is personal and that's the way i like it. But when i am criticised, abused and accused of certain things, that is what really annoys me...Do NOT assume anything about my life, get the facts RIGHT before guessing... because 9/10 you're wrong...and trust me, you are SO wrong... Now...Take your last stupid comment, shove it up your backs...

It's been a good morning, but a cold one too. I first of all exchanged the sheet that i purchased the other day for my new bed set, i picked up a flat sheet rather than a fitted one, and because i am a wriggler in bed, a flat sheet is just no good, and luckily they had just one left of what i needed. Then we went shopping. I threw on some pink nail polish this morning and it didn't look right, too Barbie pink, so I went into Superdrug and they are doing a 3 for 2 on all cosmetics at the moment. I was hunting for a nicer pink, not such a bright 'in-your-face' pink as i had put on... And i found these... A blue, almost denim blue, a pink glitter and the light pink... Very pretty :) Went grocery shopping... and now i am home sipping tea and eating chocolate biscuits... Perfect.

Fook me, i am brave... These are my wrinkles, i have so many and it makes me fucking miserable. The bottom picture i was smiling, but imagine those lines with make-up clogged in them....ewww..... how awful.... ? Botox is No. 1 on my Christmas list.... Definitely!

... My father. He's a clever man. Graduated from Kings College University Cambridge.... One of the best universities in our Great Britain.... Not only that.... (are you ready for this??)..... He invented (YES, INVENTED)... the NIK NAK and the WHEAT CRUNCHIE... also... he was THE inventor of the Scampi and Lemon flavour... You will not find another scampi and lemon flavour product pre-Nik Nak! Unfortunately when he created these masterpieces he was working at a small company called Sooner Snacks, and it was taken over by much larger brands.... That's it.

First of all i want to talk about this RoC product. I purchased this ages ago...and quite frankly, i forgot about it. Got thrown at the back of a drawer and well yeah....clearly didn't do much for me and it cost about £40 (i think). Anyhoo.... So i've been using it again for a little while and to be completely honest i'm not loving it. This is all the gabble on it... As we age, bioelectrical signals naturally diminish, leading to decreased cell-to-cell communication and production of essential proteins such as collagen and elastin. This can result in the appearance of fine lines, wrinkles, loss of firmness, uneven skin tone and other signs of ageing. The science of RoC® E-PULSE™ Skin Electro-Stimulation Technology™ is based on creating and delivering natural levels of electricity directly to the skin. This helps facilitate cell-to-cell communication that stimulates the skin’s rejuvenation process*. E-PULSE™ Skin Electro-Stimulation Technology™ can only be fou...

PANIC FAIL.... PANIC - Defeated!!!!!

I decided today i was going to get off my arse and get outside and see what i could do... How far i could go... (which wasn't great), however, i did vlog it in 2 parts.... I must warn you there is an AWFUL lot of swear words in it.... I was panicky.... i'm sorry... Uploading now but with my internet speed, they might be up sometime in 2012... :)

H&M cardigan (last year), River Island T-shirt (new), River Island jeans and black Converse....

If i don't have botox in my face... (around the eyes) in the very near future i am going to go crazy!!!  I jokingly applied a SHIT load of make up last night, including foundation...powder....you name it, it went on, however, the foundation clogs up around the wrinkles and it's really not a good look.  In fact, it made a bad day, even worse... So i was looking at my options and i think botox is the way forward.  So in the meantime i am going to purchase myself some GOOD fake tan, make myself look less corpse like.. and wait until someone wants to buy me some little injections for my eyes!  It IS Christmas soon ;) The BF is highlighting my hair AGAIN tonight, desperately trying for it to look less black, but after years of semi-dying it, apparently it turns permanent... But we're getting there.... Slowly.... :)

My boyfriend hasn't bought me flowers for....hmmm.... nearly TWO years. Today i as i was getting ready to go out, i thought to myself... "I bet he buys me flowers today....", and what do you know, i get a big bunch ... Spooky much!????

Why can't i be happy...? What the hell is wrong with me? There are many deeper things that are going on in my life that i can't resolve and it's bringing me down so hard and so bloody fast, i feel like i am out of control. Having my room fixed up made me happy for about 2 hours.  Now that's over, i am back to being miserable and unhappy. Right now, i have no desire to fight agoraphobia. I just need to let it be, and if i can't go out or i don't feel like going anywhere because i am just not up to it, then so be it... I am tired of fighting day in and day out... I have tried SO hard over 2 1/2 years to progress, do more, go different places, and it *seems* that my courage so to speak, has got me no where, because this very moment in time, i just can't be arsed.   I am so fed up... What more do i have to do?  How much more of 'pushing myself' does a girl have to do? I've got too many problems that are never not going to be here. I'm j...

I'm extremely lucky to have a massive fireworks display at the end of my road(ish)... So my neighbour, her mum, Stinky and me, took a brisk walk in the cold, stood and watched for half an hour... Sadly some stupid idiot parked their car right in the way of the bonfire so we couldn't see that, and there was some seriously low cloud and mist around this evening... Still, i caught a few on camera.

It's Movember , the month when men grow moustaches for the male cancer charities... My boyfriend is getting involved... and i know you probably won't donate, but i would really appreciate a couple of quid, if you could spare it, or even just £1.... Because every £ helps.... :) MY BOYFRIEND!!!!! Please donate for a VERY good cause. Thank You xxxx

Very happy about this... It's all fresh and white.. My furniture is coming back tomorrow afternoon and in the morning i am off out to purchase a new duvet cover and bedside light. I'm very lucky in the fact that i have £40 worth of B&Q stuff that i can take back because my friend is a "Professional decorator" and had all his own things.... So how fantastic is that? Now, i am wondering... All my other duvets are green, green, brown and cream or brown cream and orange. I can't have white due to the animals in my house, so what colour/colours should i go for?? And should my bedside table light be white to keep it all the same? Decisions, decisions... :)

I've been out today and got all the painting stuff for my bedroom - didn't have time yesterday after the dentists... I've been sanding, filling holes.... cleaning, which is a bit stupid since i am painting tomorrow.... I say *me* - i'm not decorating, someone is doing it for me... Someone has kindly offered their services for nothing, no payment, how nice are they!? But i did buy bread so i can make them a sandwich... :o) My boys dentist went well... They took impressions and an x-ray and we've got to go back in 2 weeks.... So we're off on the 'brace' journey... He's going to be even MORE handsome when his teeth are all fixed :)

I got a message today regarding my finances.... My finances, what i purchase.... when i purchase has nothing to do with ANYONE!!! As long as i am NOT in debt, i am NOT spunking money on drink and drugs. I DO NOT go out and get pissed at the weekends. I don't spend money on fancy restaurants, takeaways, cinema. I don't own a car, so insurance/tax and petrol are excluded, at weekends i go to my boyfriends, and NOT spend a penny..... Therefore, i am ABLE to save. I CAN save a little month to month..., so when i have some set aside, i buy nice things..... So fucking sue me... I DO NOT spend what i don't have. If i go out and by a £30 cardigan, or a £15 t-shirt, what the fuck has it go to do with anyone. If i am in pursuit of finding the BEST skin products for my face after living with spots, scars, dermatillomania i WILL!!!! My son is provided for. My animals are provided for. I'm sorry if you're a single parent who doesn't/didn't have much ...

Got a busy one today. Out all day. Visiting this morning, then shopping this afternoon, followed by the dentist for Stink and then paint shopping in B&Q later... It's OAP discount day in B&Q, so i can get 10/15 or 20% (can't remember) off with my mums card.... River Island from top to bottom, apart from the Converse! T-shirt is new..... :) I LOVE LOVE LOVE this one.... Still growing.......Come on Fringe.... HURRY UP AND GROW! Argh.... Check out my skin.... Looking good???

Getting ready for a busy day............................ ;-/

THREE days to redecorate my bedroom, again! I know, i know, it was only done last July, but it needs to be redone. The problem is that i painted it white..all white and white gets dirty, really quickly, and that is what's happened. The paint work is cream...not meant to be that way, but it is, just discoloured, and since my furniture is going back to the factory this afternoon to be painted (all the knots have come through and i paid A LOT of ££££ for bespoke furniture), i don't expect that to happen, so they've agreed to redo it for me... So while all the stuff is out of my room, it's a perfect opportunity to do it. But THREE days!???? I've got to get a wriggle on....i'm out all day tomorrow which leaves Thursday/Friday.... Oh dear.................................... No furniture in my room :( I've had to drag that white thing up from the kitchen to put my TV on.... When it was finished.....

..when it's over - and it is over.

This article is an interesting one... Apparently now it can be seen as wrong to kiss your children (YOUR OWN CHILDREN) on the lips... Well, as you can see from my vlog, i always kiss my boy on the lips...because HE'S MY SON and for anyone to imply it is inappropriate in doing so, has serious issues...., say's more about them than it does me!

So yeah..i've been up the town, got shopping, bought some food, some delicious McVitites Caramel Digestive biscuits... Oh my goodness, dipped in tea.... Heaven!!!! Got my boys' glasses fitted... he looks like a right little Geekoid now bless him... and that's about it... I've got to do two days worth of exercising now... Wish me luck!

I got my highest score ever today.... Very happy about this!!!!

I felt like i'd lost weight today.  My stomach feels like it's really sucked in, so i weighed myself, i NEVER EVER EVER EVER weigh myself any more, but i had to, to see if what i thought was right.  Flip me, i've gone down to 6st 11... (95lb)... I'm not happy with this figure, i don't like losing weight when i'm not trying, because i haven't..... Irony is, i'm not hungry at all tonight, i'm hoping maybe i will be a little later...

# I had, the grandparents, my sister, brother in law, my nephews, my niece, the ex husband (No.1) and my boyfriend.... I ♥ my family!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mummy's kisses... All of us together... With my sister...

...today i was in hospital waiting to give birth to my amazing son.... It was a long hard struggle. I was admitted on Friday 23rd October at 5pm. I was taken by ambulance after having my blood pressure monitored for 6 weeks before his birth. On this particular day it had risen too high and i was taking in straight away to the main hospital 30 minutes away. I was monitored again for several hours when pre-eclampsia was diagnosed. However, due to my mental state, i refused to stay and discharged myself.. I was warned that there was a very high possibility that i could have a stroke.... but that didn't deter me, i was NOT going to stay away from home... (at that point i was having panic attacks but didn't realise what they were). The only way the let me home was if i promised i'd go back first thing the next day at 8am, which i did. They put me on a machine and gave me medication straight away for my blood pressure and i was being checked on every hour...... Su...